I feel so hopeless
I'm 16F and I live with my mother. My father works in a different country and my sister studies abroad. My mom works a really shitty job and they pay her under the minimum wage. My dad really cares about my grandmother and grandfather (his parents). When he isn't home he dumps all the responsibility on my mom, like recently grandma got a phone without buttons and she basically can't handle it and constantly needs explanation how to use it. My grandfather is a raging alcoholic. In 2023 he beat my grandma when he was drunk. My mom is rightfully frustrated. When she's experiencing tough times she lashes out on me. For example, recently I got sick and the whole day she constantly guilt tripped me with comments like "The reason why you're sick is because you walk around barefoot at home (it's 25°C outside, I can't handle any footwear when it's hot)", saying I have a thick skull because I don't listen to her, but I ALWAYS comply when she asks me to do something. Another thing she loves to do is cherry picking. I have great grades compared to last year. I got 2 B's (Math and Spanish) and a D (Geography) in the same day. She complained, complained and complained again only about the D and mentioned jack shit nothing about the two B's. Not a "Good job" or something. My argument to her about the D was that Geography is not an important class for me and I will definitely not be studying it after high school. She ghosted me.
I have been feeling scared of her since I was 11. Once when I was 12 I fell and injured my knee badly. First thing she did when we got in the car was to cuss me out about how much of a dumbass I am. Another time I got a D in History in 6th grade and she said she'll break my head. Last year in 8th grade was freshman year and I did horribly, especially in Spanish (I'm in a language school) and I was in a bad state. I lost a dear friend of 3 years due to a stupid argument, had no friends 1st semester, was bullied almost every day and I had a shitty Spanish teacher that belittled student when, let's say, didn't know how to translate a word or couldn't understand a lesson the same exact day with no exercises. I once got 2 F's the same day and my mother crashed out, threatening to return me to my old school. I hate my old school.
I get it. Most of our family lives abroad and she never got to escape our small shitty town. That's probably why she always tells me to study in this country, so she isn't alone. She opened up to my older sister and said that she felt suicidal and that's why she had us, to have a purpose in life.
I feel hopeless. I'm sick of this loop. Wake up, get up from bed, eat, go catch the bus, go to school, listen to old people explain the subject they barely know themselves, go home, get yelled at for something dumb and go to sleep. Even weekends don't excite me anymore. I used to be an amazing artist, now I can barely find the time to draw something. I also loved to do accessories, now I also barely find the time to do it. I also have NO idea what to study after highschool. Every subject bores me. People always say "you still have time", but that doesn't change the fact I'm stupid. I'm the only alternative girl in my class. I have 2 amazing friends, but the rest of the girls giggle at me when I'm presenting a presentation like I'm some sort of animal in a zoo. Again, in 8th grade, a girl I wanted to be friends with, but we didn't talk at all, said in a random birthday that I dress like a boy. I felt dumb. Another time in Music class we were playing our favorite songs because the teacher was forcing us to do so. I had a girl next to me, another girl Infront of me and a boy. I had a song on my bio in Instagram, it's called Scissors by Slipknot. They sarcastically told me to play that song while trying not to laugh and I just felt shitty for the rest of the day. I entered my class with a friend from middle school, let's call him Derek. We met in 6th grade in a PE class and he told me I had cool headphones and I wanted to be by his side from them on out. But in 8th grade he changed drastically. He found new friends and ditched me, our friendship was basically one-sided and I let him go. It felt amazing and sad at the same time.
Genuinely, what the fuck do I do now? I'm sick of studying, I'm sick of socializing, I'm sick of fighting with mom. I really want to go to the school therapist, but I'm also afraid that they will tell my mom that I skipped class for the therapist. I have been trying to find a job and maybe I found one through my boyfriend.
So yeah, this is my first post ever so I hope I have alright grammar and this is readable. I also hope I didn't break the rules because I mentioned about school life aswell. I really want to hear y'alls opinion! Have a nice day/night! 🫶