Need help navigating a situation with my sister
This is my first post so bear with me. I (24M) was recently asked by my sister (22F) I’ll call her Carrie to stay the night with her.
Some important context: Carrie has been going through a lot lately. Her boyfriend and the father of her child (I’ll call him Mike) got into a fight about a month ago that ended with the police being called. I don’t know all the details, but there is now a temporary protective order in place, and Mike isn’t allowed near her.
Before she asked me, she actually asked our mom first. That didn’t go well because none of us really have a good relationship with her, and they ended up arguing almost immediately. After that, my mom called me to vent, and then Carrie called me and asked if I could stay with her instead.
Now here’s where I’m struggling. I do like spending time with Carrie and my nephew (he’s 2), and I know she’s been dealing with a lot. But since the situation with Mike happened, she vents about him constantly. I try to be there for her and I’m glad she trusts me, but it’s always about how much she misses him and still loves him.
Their relationship has been very toxic for a while. It’s not the first time police have been involved. He’s threatened her with violence, told her he wishes he never met her, abandoned her at gas stations, among other things and, just overall treated her really badly. From the outside, it’s pretty clear it’s not a healthy situation at all.
What makes this hard is that she still wants to go back to him and believes things will be different. I feel awful about it because I care about her and I care about my nephew too, and I can see how this environment is affecting him.
But at the same time, every time we talk, it circles back to Mike and how much she misses him. And I don’t really know how to respond anymore without feeling drained.
I’ve thought about telling her she needs to move on and that the relationship is toxic, but I’m worried about how she’ll react. She can get very angry and verbally aggressive if she feels criticized. On top of that, I also feel a bit trapped in the situation because if I go stay with her and things go badly in a conversation, I can’t easily leave in the moment. I only recently got my license and car after having a long-standing fear of driving, and while I’ve made progress, I still have a lot of anxiety about driving 40 minutes through the city at night.
So I guess my main question is: would I be the asshole or in the wrong for not staying with her, even though she asked and doesn’t want to be alone?
And beyond that, I’m trying to understand
why she might still want to go back to someone who treats her like this?
How can I support her without it constantly draining me
and how to even approach this conversation without it blowing up?
I should also add I’ve dealt with my own mental health stuff (CPTSD, dissociation disorder, and depression), and I’m in therapy and medicated. But due to how much my childhood messed me up any thought of a relationship seems far fetched until I do a lot of healing. So, I don’t have a lot of personal experience to lean on here. That also makes it harder for me to understand what she’s going through emotionally which hinders my approach.
Any advice would really help.