u/AlternativeThen9756

20M. Words cannot describe the self hatred that I feel towards myself. I'm gonna try and keep this post short.

For context, I believe I have OCD, but I am not officially diagnosed. At the end of the day it is basically just me hoping that I have OCD.

I'm going to go over some shit from my past that my POCD uses against me, as well as just some modern day stuff.

Past things:

I had done a lot of terrible, horrible things and only just began to truly realize it more recently. I had committed COCSA against my stepbrother and my best friend when I was 12, and almost did things to a really young child. (Younger than 5.)

This next memory is one I don't actually know the truth of. All I remember is that I would sit with this kid on the bus when I was 14, and I remember like, pretending to punch him in the crotch. But now I'm partially convinced that I was deliberately harming him sexually and just forgot. I don't know the correct answer here.

I had genuinely forgotten about these things. I had repressed them and genuinely thought I had bettered myself. Now these memories pop up and make me freak out wondering if I'm still capable of doing these things.

Next up is some things I had done online. I was addicted to sending nudes of myself to people and receiving from others when I was 12, and kept going until I was 15. I did this with people younger than me, people older than me, really just anyone who would have me.

I get flashbacks to this too, more so just intrusive images of the things I saw. Some of the age gaps were not ok at all. Like me being 15 and someone being 12.

And finally, just my general porn habits have triggered me a great deal. While I haven't deliberately searched for anything illegal, I have stumbled upon VERY weird shit, and I do often get scared wondering if someone I see online isn't actually of age.

My habits with hentai have actually triggered me more than my porn habits. My opinion on animated characters for a long time was that, as long as they weren't just straight up children, it was easier to just headcanon their age as whatever you were comfortable with. And I always did, well, my age at the time. Course, now that my OCD is this bad, that doesn't really work anymore.

The Present:

In the present, I can't look at a child, hell, even HEAR the mention of a child without getting horrific thoughts and urges. I don't WANT them, but it's not something I can just magically make go away.

If I'm watching TV and an ad with a child present comes on, I basically have to immediately shut my eyes and try not to pay attention, or else my mind immediately focuses on the inappropriate places on the child and it makes me want to scream.

I don't really have children present in my life (thank god) but I do have a nephew that visits from time to time.

I hate it when he comes over, as it basically just gives my mind a reason to go haywire the whole time. I go out of my way to not be close to him, refuse to be in a room alone with him, etcetera etcetera. My family has even pointed out how it seems like I'm starting to dislike him.

I'm constantly afraid I've already harmed him sexually somehow, as when I was 17 I was his primary caretaker for a while. Pretty much everything that I had originally thought were accidentally touches and what have you now feel deliberate and evil.

Closing Thoughts:

I'm tired. I'm basically watching myself turn into something I don't want to be.

And it's not that I'm not attracted to people my age or something, I am. It's just this constant doubt of "Well are you SURE you're not attracted to children?"

It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what my values used to be. My memory feels so cloudy and untrustworthy in that regard. All I know is what my current values are. I don't want to hurt children.

20M. Words cannot describe the self hatred that I feel towards myself. I'm gonna try and keep this post short.

For context, I believe I have OCD, but I am not officially diagnosed. At the end of the day it is basically just me hoping that I have OCD.

I'm going to go over some shit from my past that my POCD uses against me, as well as just some modern day stuff.

Past things:

I had done a lot of terrible, horrible things and only just began to truly realize it more recently. I had committed COCSA against my stepbrother and my best friend when I was 12, and almost did things to a really young child. (Younger than 5.)

This next memory is one I don't actually know the truth of. All I remember is that I would sit with this kid on the bus when I was 14, and I remember like, pretending to punch him in the crotch. But now I'm partially convinced that I was deliberately harming him sexually and just forgot. I don't know the correct answer here.

I had genuinely forgotten about these things. I had repressed them and genuinely thought I had bettered myself. Now these memories pop up and make me freak out wondering if I'm still capable of doing these things.

Next up is some things I had done online. I was addicted to sending nudes of myself to people and receiving from others when I was 12, and kept going until I was 15. I did this with people younger than me, people older than me, really just anyone who would have me.

I get flashbacks to this too, more so just intrusive images of the things I saw. Some of the age gaps were not ok at all. Like me being 15 and someone being 12.

And finally, just my general porn habits have triggered me a great deal. While I haven't deliberately searched for anything illegal, I have stumbled upon VERY weird shit, and I do often get scared wondering if someone I see online isn't actually of age.

My habits with hentai have actually triggered me more than my porn habits. My opinion on animated characters for a long time was that, as long as they weren't just straight up children, it was easier to just headcanon their age as whatever you were comfortable with. And I always did, well, my age at the time. Course, now that my OCD is this bad, that doesn't really work anymore.

The Present:

In the present, I can't look at a child, hell, even HEAR the mention of a child without getting horrific thoughts and urges. I don't WANT them, but it's not something I can just magically make go away.

If I'm watching TV and an ad with a child present comes on, I basically have to immediately shut my eyes and try not to pay attention, or else my mind immediately focuses on the inappropriate places on the child and it makes me want to scream.

I don't really have children present in my life (thank god) but I do have a nephew that visits from time to time.

I hate it when he comes over, as it basically just gives my mind a reason to go haywire the whole time. I go out of my way to not be close to him, refuse to be in a room alone with him, etcetera etcetera. My family has even pointed out how it seems like I'm starting to dislike him.

I'm constantly afraid I've already harmed him sexually somehow, as when I was 17 I was his primary caretaker for a while. Pretty much everything that I had originally thought were accidentally touches and what have you now feel deliberate and evil.

Closing Thoughts:

I'm tired. I'm basically watching myself turn into something I don't want to be.

And it's not that I'm not attracted to people my age or something, I am. It's just this constant doubt of "Well are you SURE you're not attracted to children?"

It's gotten to the point where I don't even know what my values used to be. My memory feels so cloudy and untrustworthy in that regard. All I know is what my current values are. I don't want to hurt children.