So I kind of have a question about how to get out of this favorite person thing. This has been happening for two years and I am absolutely done.
I mean when I first found out she had BPD I was completely fine with it. I didn’t know much about BPD so I just shrugged my shoulders and accepted it.
It changed during a party when I blacked out and woke up the next morning realizing I made out with her (At least that is what I thought at the time…I found out a while later that we actually had sex and I didn’t know. I was disgusted and wanted to blame her but we were both drunk so I just moved on). Her attitude towards me changed drastically and I realized she had a crush on me. She told me. I rejected her. I thought that was the end of the story.
God the level of ways she has molded my life scare me sometimes. And this the stuff I know about! She used to tell people to not hang out with the two of us so she could have “alone time with me and her.” And I didn’t know until a while later. She messages me and calls me constantly when we are apart and texts that she misses me if we go even a day without seeing each other. I’m scared of what she’ll do to me if I ever leave her and that I’ll prove her right that “everybody ends up leaving her” even though I can see why they do!
I was completely ready to throw this all under the rug and ignore it, I love her so much even though I hate her most of the time, but something happened a month ago that changed that.
So essentially I hosted this party at my house and this guy totally forced me into doing stuff with him. Like completely would not take no for an answer until I made out with him and then people have to drag him away from me haha. But anyway, I didn’t think much of it and I was telling this story to everyone and they went on about “Well he sexually assaulted you” and I thought “well isn’t this what [BPD friend] tried to do?” I have a screenshot of a text she sent my direct roommate months beforehand(Also, she loved to confess everything to my direct roommate as if we don’t live together and they won’t tell me) and she said “My mission tomorrow night to to drunk makeout with [my name] while drunk.” Mind you, it is widely known throughout my friend group that I am a person who hates intimacy and hates making out with people sober. So obviously I decided to stop this by stating to my friend that I am holding off on doing anything intimate with anyone. For my health. And she just kept saying that she’ll find a way to break this “no intimacy streak”. After that I had never felt safe being alone with her, especially when I am intoxicated or vulnerable in any way. I know she is mad at that man for forcing me into stuff but I think she is only mad because wasn’t her who got to have me. This is what made me realize that maybe I should rethink being her friend.
I feel like I am in an entire relationship without my consent and she always just says it’s a “joke” and my friends will tell me its a “coincidence” with anything obsessive or creepy she does and I feel like I am going insane. Like I can see this entire layer of our relationship that no one else can. Not even her.
What do I do? I am scared what the fallout will be and what she will do to me if I leave.
Because if this is what her loving me feels like I don’t want to know what her hating me will be like. I don’t want to hurt her I only want to leave her. My friends keep telling me to talk to her and “work it out” but I know in my gut it won’t fix what I feel. She has hurt me so intimately and I don’t think I can ever look at her the same even if she tries to change. Too much damage there. Am I proving her right by letting her go? Am I the bad person here?