u/AlternativeGlass1861

For backstory, me and him met when I was 18 and he was 20. I fell in love with him quick, and he told me he had an ex he was still in love with. Me, being dumb, stayed. He told his best friend 6 months into our relationship he loved her and rejected me when I told him I love you the first time, called me her name, and prioritized letting her flirt with him over my happiness. I got so stressed I developed kidney stones and got really sick; I dropped to 80lbs. He had hidden pictures of her in his end table. That's the worst of what's happened.

Now, he swears it was all platonic and he lied for attention. He swears they never dated, he never even liked her, and I'm his first girlfriend and first love. But I can't get over what he did. I love him, and I won't leave him. I am however struggling to forgive and forget what he did to me, and struggling to stop hating myself for staying. How do I move on? What am I doing that isn't right? I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I've been journaling, I've been doing self help, I've even dug into retroactive jealousy because I cannot handle him having an ex girlfriend at all for personal values (I know, one and done relationship is impossibly rare, but it's still hard to come to terms with the fact I'll never be someone's first and only love) but no matter how hard I try, nothing is getting better. Am I doomed?

My boyfriend had one serious relationship before me. They'd scream at each other, and I know it wasn't good, but I do know for the first year it WAS good. I've seen the texts of him begging her to stay, her talking about having his fucking CHILDREN, and everything, and now he even says they never dated at all, especially when I've seen things that just don't make sense otherwise. I try to tell myself I don't need to know, that "maybe he did date her, maybe he didn't!" but the fact he had a serious relationship kills me inside.

How am I supposed to be his one and only if he had that with someone else? He treated me entirely like a replacement of her, called me her name on accident once, and rejected me when I told him I loved him for the first time. It's so far in the past, and I should be so over it and just not care anymore, but it hurts so badly in my heart and in my mind. It feels so wrong and disgusting, and I love him so much and want to be happy with him but it's made me miserable. I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I went to therapy PURELY for retroactive jealousy, and yet nothing is changing. Not one thing is getting better, and I've almost been in the psych ward about four times because of his past. I can't handle the truth of him dating this girl, loving her, and then not even wanting me and wanting her instead. He'll tell me sometimes as "exposure therapy" after I beg like a toxic brat (ashamed) for him to tell me he dated this girl, but then I immediately beg him to take it back because it kills me inside.

Does anyone have any advice besides "break up with him"? Or am I just doomed? Because I feel so doomed and awful and I can't fix anything. I've done hours of watching retroactive jealousy content online, reading books, I've read two books and nothing is changing. I've been struggling every single day for two years and it's just.. too much for me to handle, and I need some sort of advice, because deep down I'm hoping someone can help me see this in a way that makes all of this go away, even if I know logically that just won't happen anymore.

I don't know what to do. It's to the point my boyfriend lies to me about his past; says he didn't date this girl and won't tell me the truth, and when he tries, I flip out. I can't accept the truth but I can't accept the lies either. I can't leave him because I always come crawling back, because I want forever with him. His past isn't even that bad- he dated a girl, wanted forever with her, fucked it up, she left. It's the forever part that gets me so badly- I thought we were supposed to be forever, so how come I waited to date him but he didn't wait to date me?

He also hurt me really badly by calling me this girls name, the lies, keeping this girl around and comparing me to her, even insulting me with her like child bullies. He wants me and loves me now, and I want him, but I'm in agony every day. I counted just this week alone I've cried 15 hours. I don't know what to tell myself or do about this anymore, but I'm miserable. If anyone has any wisdom or advice, please let me know. No, I won't break up with him, and yes, im already in therapy. I can increase the amount of therapy but that sounds awful and unfun, and I'm already doing hours of RJ research and meditation and the like.

I'm relatively young. My boyfriend is my first boyfriend; first crush, even. He's my everything, but I don't think he even wanted me originally. He wants me now and chooses me now, but he kept a girl he lied was "his ex" in the picture for months, told his best friend he was in love with her as a "lie for pity", and a hundred other lies. He was so sad because they had "stopped being friends" and he just.. it's obvious I was a replacement for her he happened to fall in love with.

He won't tell me what really happened, and it's a deal breaker for me- I don't want to be with someone who had a serious relationship before me. It breaks my heart to imagine him wanting to be with her forever, her being the mother of his children, everything and the images won't go away. I'm in therapy, I'm in everything, and I can't shake the misery. I even got told I should become a nun instead of falling in love.

He knows all of this, and I've told him how I can't accept the truth of him dating this girl because we'll have to break up, but I can't accept the lies because his reasoning for the lies don't make sense. I'm on a five day streak at the moment of crying for about three hours a day, and I'm about at my wits end. I can't bring myself to leave him, so please don't suggest that or tell me I should. If I leave him it'll be later in life, but please, if anyone has any advice on how to handle just.. even living a lie or how to accept a truth that is your worst fear ever happening, let me know. I feel so rejected and like nothing matters anymore and I know the past shouldn't even matter but it matters so much to me to the point I cant handle him having an ex, and it's all I can think about.