My First Year in Recovery, a Confession, and a Journey of finding Hope and Happiness
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but these pictures don’t tell the whole story. It may look like a fast fall from grace and then a rebound, but the reality is very different. The person in the first 2 pictures is really the same person. Both were in the throes of drug and alcohol addiction. The second picture is just what happened when that person finally reached the end of his road and could no longer keep living the way he was with or without drugs and alcohol. Every time I see the picture of the man from a year ago, my heart breaks and my soul is filled with shame. But I feel compelled to share my story if it can even help one person feel a little less alone in their journey.
This week, I celebrated my first full year clean and sober from drugs and alcohol.
This time last year, I was sitting in a suicide cell at the county jail, detoxing, hungover, and wondering how in the world I had gotten to this point. Prior to this, I had never had any trouble with the law, never been caught for doing anything illegal, drug-related or otherwise. For the first time in my life, I had finally seen how powerless I was to my addiction and mental health issues that I had neglected. And if I had gone through with my plans the night before, I wouldn't even be alive to realize it.
My journey into recovery started abruptly, staring into the gunbarrels of 6 police officers who had surrounded me after a suicidal episode. 8 hours prior, I had cracked open what would be my last bottle of alcohol, held my best friend for what would be the last time, and shortly thereafter, I was down on my hands and knees of the bedroom floor scraping dust bunnies, hair, and cat litter together hoping that maybe I could pull together enough residual cocaine that may’ve fallen down there over the past few days to pull together a line. At no point during this sequence had the idea of quitting drugs and alcohol even entered my mind.
Slowly though, the curtain pulled back. The alcohol was suddenly not the answer and no amount of shots at the bar I had ended up could quiet the voices in my head. Unable to get more cocaine, I could think of no other escape, but death. When my best friend couldn't answer my manic 2am phone calls, I proceeded to light my entire life on fire, committing increasingly desperate acts for attention that I could not return from, hoping it would culminate in someone saving me, or killing me.
Thanks to the professionalism and composure of the police officers that responded, my life was spared that night.
I spent my entire life running from my feelings. Never wanting to face them myself, or expose them to others who may reject me for how I felt. I put out a manicured picture of my life, a professional businessman, well adjusted, and independent. Smart and happy. But all I was doing was hiding my reality from the rest of the world, until I could no longer hold back the tide of my feelings.
Through recovery, I have learned to ask for help, how to be honest with myself, how to be vulnerable and open with others, and most importantly, found my self worth and learned to love myself.
It is a continual battle. Learning balance through mindfulness, meditation, recovery meetings, and personal reflection. I express myself through my music and writing, hoping to connect with others that feel the same way, and hoping to be able to give back what was so freely given to me at my lowest point.
I am so grateful today just to be alive. Even though I will have to go back to jail next month to serve a 9 month sentence as a result of my actions in active addiction that night, I still choose to see how much better off I am staying clean and sober, even in the face of such challenges. To me, I can never risk another drink. I tried for years to cut back and failed every time. The last time I did, I got arrested, but worse than that, I didn’t want to live anymore. I never ever want to feel those feelings that alcohol brought me to ever again.
It took more than just getting clean and sober to fix me too. I still go to regular therapy, work an NA 12 Step program, and constantly ask for help and share my feelings with those I trust openly and vulnerably. I try to focus on being present and having gratitude. Even though that was very uncomfortable at first, and I hated how cliche it sounded, learning to interrupt those self-destructive spirals of anxiety and despair was paramount to me finding true contentment in life. Turns out a lot of advice becomes cliche because after you push past the initial discomfort (which can take a while), it does actually work when you’re ready and truly understand the science and evidence behind it.
Today, I embrace the spirit of nature and the universe, the energy that connects us and all life. The particle vibrations that make up the cosmos as well as our mind and consciousness. The unexplainable impact that our very existence has on the quantum state of our universe. I now do my best to emanate peace, love, and acceptance to all life. And for the first time ever, I can say that I feel that same peace, love, and acceptance for myself.
I hope to continue sharing pieces of my story to those who are interested, or be a trusted resource to anyone who needs help and support or wants to share theirs. To those suffering in silence, I beg you to raise your hand and ask for help. There are people who will not judge you, who will love you and help you and ask for nothing in return. I never believed that before, but I do now, and I am here for you, the same way they were for me.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
With Love,
A Recovering Addict named Steve
P.S. Please feel free to message me if you wish to talk. I am happy to be a listening ear to anyone else who is struggling and share my contact info privately as well.