u/Alternative-Mind8065

I can’t be outside without feeling this intense pain seeing how everyone else is out there enjoying themselves. I can acknowledge it’s a beautiful day and part of me enjoys it but I’m at the same time ripped apart by longing for him. Just to sit outside and enjoy the first warm days. It’s like my internal system tells me these are good times, my instincts say: it’s spring, it’s sunny, now is the time to buy some nice food and sit outside with a glass of chilled wine - and the next second I remember: it’s only me. I can go sit somewhere but I’ll be alone. I can’t even surprise him or spoil him. Other people talk about spring as this healing power. As they expect of me to feel happier now. But the changing of the season is adding to my pain not easing it. And the fact that everyone else seem to be living in a world where spring works that way makes me feel more alone. He’s not here. The emptiness every time that reality hits me is so endless. So gutting. It’s just me. I’m alone. Completely alone.