ive found myself in a bit of a situationship? help pls
Warning, this is my first post. I have come to the conclusion to ask for help online after asking my irl friends and some family for advice, but I simply cannot get it through my clouded mind, please help a girl out in any way if you can.
I f(19) second yr in college, have never been a relationship girl, I've never seen a real need for me to be in a relationship up until now (I've still considered myself a lover girl however), I've found myself in various talking stages that I've usually always ended (they were more textuationships) for mostly the same reason. I feel like the men I have talked to have tend to "love bomb" for lack of better words and act as if they truly know me when they see what they want to see and how that advances their goals in a relationship. I will say tho that I definitely see myself having some type of avoidant attachment. My first yr of college was the first time I'd ever kissed a guy, he was a fling that never went anywhere because he was just trying to fuck. That same year I talked to another guy (he was the last previous guy I talked to), it lasted for around a month, it was difficult because he was from my hometown and I was at college a little ways away, that was the longest taking stage Ive had lasting a little over a month, he was the second person ive kissed, I ended it for various reasons that I still stand by but I think my avoidance also played a part. Now currently I have found myself in a situationship, my very first one yippie! Me and this guy, I'll name him Pablo (P), go to the same school, he's the yr below, we had a sort of eye contact for a while and I was getting very tired of waiting so one night drunkingly added him on insta, this escaleded to him coming up to me in person and boom. Also we are both virgos (it doesn't really mean too much to me but I think it's a funny superstition in astrology that Virgo men are evil and emotionally unavailable). Our first date went really well surface level but cute, that is when we began texting each other every day (I'm also a horrible texter, bottom of the barrel). Our schedules were conflicted a lot so we were only seeing each other like once a week mostly on the weekends. As the dates progressed I began feeling this horrible dread that I'm the most boring person on earth, everything between us stayed very surface level still conversation-wise, but what was also happening was that our physical connection was continuously building despite this. Still his actions contradicted that we were not good on both levels with him introducing me to his friends, calling me his lady, and the constant texting every day from good morning to goodnight (the texts were also very surface-level and spaced between hours of the day). Very early on he would insinuate that he wanted to be physical which I was very shy about but I was kinda weened into it by him over the course of our dates that were all on campus and mostly in each other's rooms. I went to every date with the notion that I was going to try to lead us into conversation, display my personality more, be open, and get deeper, but most of my tries felt like they hit a brick wall and the interest felt reciprocated but only to a certain extent. I hit an emphany when I went out to a party one night, he stayed in, and he never showed interest in where, who, or how, or litterally any details about my night except for a picture of myself, at the party I proceded to tell him I wished he was there and he replyed with be safe, balala, if you need anything lmk, I responded with I will if you stay awake long enough, he said probably not and said preemtively said goodnight. I brought this up the next day and he ended up coming over, I expressed that I felt a lack of care I explained what I need and asked what he needs (he made it clear he likes his independence), he was appologetic, I told him a little of my upbringing and feeling isolated and not wanting that especially in a relationship, he told me a little about his and his structured life and him going to try to make more time for me. That was the night our physical relationship escalated to the next step as I sucked his dick afterwards (I know I'm a dumbass). Since then and other instances where I've inferred that he doesn't really gaf and that I'm taking things too seriously and so I stopped gaf as well. Every date since then has incorporated that same level of physicality, he also reciprocated towards me. Our dates begin sweet but everything feels so mediocre (conversation) that the best next thing is that we can at least get it on ig. After that first time I gave him head, he has gone soft when I actually get to the part where I'm about to again, we have worked around it (I've been very very understanding) since then and he says he just gets to thinking too much but continuously this happens and it's made me feel very insecure and further question things. Still he's nurtured our relationship in the same way of constantly talking ive also reciprocated that by being flirty and genuinely interested (still more than he has). Recently we hungout I could tell immediately that he was all about being physical from the get go I just went with the flow and after he hung around for a little but back to mediocure conversation its like theres no walls for us to bounce off of (I dont think were very compatible or have much in common tbh but I also cant tell bc of the lack of genuine conversation). The most recent time we hungout I planned to be dicked down because I said fuck it I trust this man enough and Im ready, the other physical stuff happened but again the issue with him going soft didnt make things happen, however we worked around it again and it ended very well, afterwards we still hungout and genuninely had a pretty good time just talking and listening to music, this conflicted me even more. I was talking to my bsf about it, as summer is around the corner and I've been saying that I don't want to bring this with me back home and do long distance. At this point, we've been talking for 3 months. I've been hopeful this whole time with him because there are good parts that I can fantasize about something greater that could start to bloom (Ik Im a fucking dumbass). I want to understand and ask him how he is feeling about us, so I can get clarity. My bsf has stated that she thinks that because I allowed the physical stuff to happen so early on without us getting to a dependable emtional relationship and me continuing to let phyical things build, that its what is convient and available to him so that why he is still going at it with me, I dont see him as a horrible man despite all this but I do think that how ive responded to his actions has gotten us to where we are, and me wanting more now is very unlikely actually to come true. Should I take all that as a sign to keep myself from now on closed off and get the clarity by communicating that I don't want this to continue, get his response, and leave this in this yr? Or should I just say fuck it and smash? We are seeing each other for the last time before summer tomorrow, so help asap would be most appreciated. If you've gotten this far, you deserve a cookie for all of my bullshit.