I'm sorry for my English, as it's not my native language.
01.04.2026
I'm 20 years old now, and in April I'll be 21, and my boyfriend will be 23. We have a 3-year age difference.
We've been in a relationship for over 3 years now.
The names have been changed to maintain confidentiality.
Nicholas (my boyfriend) and I met in the summer around June or July, I was about 13-14 years old and I was walking with my friend Alex at the time. I remember that we were fooling around and teasing him a little, not out of spite, of course. From that moment on, Nicholas and I started communicating.
At first glance, we had common interests: we loved watching anime and movies, and video games (I often played on my computer or phone, and he either had a computer or a curling iron). He likes the way I draw and once asked me to teach him how to draw, but due to circumstances related to studies, etc., they didn't get around to it, and later they forgot about it.
Later, we started dating when I was about 15 years old or a little more. At first glance, we had a normal relationship, despite minor quarrels. We talked, walked, kissed, texted, and visited him or me. I didn't communicate much with his parents, but I didn't quarrel with them.
When I was about 16-17 years old, we used to have conversations about intimacy and how he wanted to make love to me. I was hesitant about this, because at that time I was watching "Pregnant at 16" with my mom and sister and there were fears that I would have the same thing happen to them. Besides, I didn't consider making love until I was 18 to be particularly acceptable. As a result, we made love, and as long as I can remember, there was no pain or anything like that, and there wasn't even any blood, although it should have been (maybe it was a little, I don't remember exactly). I liked it then and we started doing it. At that time, I was very afraid to tell my mother or sister about it, because I was afraid of being judged. Besides, I remember he told me not to talk about it. (Yeah, what a young fool I was...)
We did it without protection at first, and he tried to pull it out on time.
I don't remember exactly when or how, but eventually my mom and sister started asking me questions about it and I had to tell them. She was scolding me and Nicholas for having a slightly irresponsible attitude towards this. After that, my mom and I talked to one of her friends who works as a gynecologist and she recommended birth control pills to me. I started drinking them. Nicholas didn't really treat it like "it's chemistry." Is it okay that this chemistry saved us from a possible unplanned conception? So I started drinking them in secret from him.
Then, after a while, the truth came out, Nicholas grumbled a little about it, saying that I didn't trust him (however, distrust is not the reason for this, I knew that it wouldn't hit me, but still, for the sake of caution, I still had to do it), but in the end I began to treat it kind of calmly.
He showed me how he played some game on a curling iron or on a computer (for example, TeamFortress2, Resident Evil Village, Red Death Redemption, and so on and so forth). At first, he somehow did not offer me to try to play for as long as I can remember. However, the last time we played together, we only played one game (if anyone is interested in Cult of The Lamb). After that, we haven't played together until now.
I studied Jewelry in college, and Nicholas studied Law at uni.
Despite some nuances, I loved him and thought that we would have a long-term relationship.
However, things seem to be going downhill a bit, and I'm not sure if they'll continue at least until the summer.
You'll probably ask, "Why?" Well, I'm telling you everything in order, as much as I can.
Lately, I've become interested in psychology and listening to stories on YouTube. These are mainly channels The Bear reads, the Fat Toad and the upvote. Listening to all the stories about relationships, I began to analyze our relationship, remembering what happened. As a result, I remembered the moments that are most likely red flags, which I turned a blind eye to for a long time, because I thought that he would improve and everything would pass.:
I sometimes refuse to have sex with a guy for my own reason (not cheating, I just don't want to), but he insists (I remember a vivid moment of this when he threw me on the bed and wanted me right there, but I refused and kicked. It got to the point where I somehow swung my arm and scratched him in the stomach area.). If I refuse anyway, he gets dressed with irritation and starts to leave.
He sometimes jokingly took my phone and looked at it (for example, he read the correspondence with the AI character). Despite my explanations of why I didn't like it, he continued to do it. Besides, he sometimes tried to look at my phone. When I refused him, he insisted at first, and then he took offense, saying that I didn't trust him. But, Kamon, there are some things that I'm not ready to show yet. When I'm mentally ready, I'll show you without any problems.
Recently, he started coming to me without a phone call or message, in other words, without warning. I didn't really like it. I told him about it twice, to which he waved me off, saying that he was above those rules and that we did not live in Europe. But, camon, dude, these are simple rules of decency! Would you like that if you were busy with something urgent, for example, and I barged in without warning, would you like that? I doubt. Did he apologize for that? I don't remember, probably not.
He sometimes used the "shoot yourself" gesture. For example, when he was surprised that I was watching some old cartoons that he was watching. I don't like it, and at first I was led into it, hugging him and kissing him, saying don't do this. It's a bit silly, I admit, but I loved him very much then. He kept doing it anyway at some points.
When my mother and I go or visit one of our friends or relatives, at one time he grumbled a lot about it, which led to quarrels. He said roughly that I didn't have to do it and that I was only doing it because of my mom. However, this is not entirely true. I also had a desire for this. I don't know if it's related to this or if it's a separate topic altogether, but I remember that day my mom and I wanted to go to my sister's or something like that, he said something like this: "It can be postponed, I haven't seen my brother for a long time either, but it's not the end of the world."It sounded so shallow to me that I was deeply offended by him because of it.
When COVID-19 started, my mother and I were sitting at home, and it was forbidden to leave the house at that time. He called and tried to invite me somewhere, but I refused him, fearing the consequences, which he waved off, saying that it was all bullshit. He doesn't care about the cold and illnesses.
Lately, I've started to get put off by hard lovemaking, even though I used to enjoy it. I think it started to crumble slowly when I had a neoplasm in my pelvis and stupidly we had sex with it. It was a bit painful, I admit. I thought I was going to enjoy myself as a masochist, but in the end, not a damn thing like that.
After I was discharged from the hospital (they had already removed it from me) My mom and I were talking about it, and she pointed it out and asked why I was doing this to myself. I didn't find myself in the trash. I think she was right. Okay, I'm a fool, but where did he go? For what the fuck?? Did he like it??!
I started to refuse attempts to do hard making love and explained to him why this was so. He probably didn't hear something or that he started getting angry and started saying that I needed clothespins in my female genital organ. Thank God that I had previously moved clothespins from a nearby shelf to a drawer while cleaning the room. However, I took a hard scared inside and told him to stop. In the end, he apologized and seemed to understand.
Then the next day, not long ago, when we made love, I once again said that I did not like rigidity, and he said that I liked it on the contrary.
Even though it's been a while since then, I still can't be sure that our relationship will last long. I do not know what to do next and whether it is worth ending this relationship?
04/02/2026
When I talked to him today about the refusal of intimacy, he said that if there is such an opportunity, it is better to use it and that because of my refusals he will become impotent, he says that he adores me so much and loves me so much. He also mentioned that he has a condition in which he has mondrage, which, according to him, he could not cope with in any way except making love to me. He also referred to biology, which is inherent in men. Also, that's why cheating happens.
I know it's probably not my responsibility, but I feel a little guilty.
Making love to him is potentially good, I'm not arguing, and I would probably like to wish the best as much as possible, but I don't think I can look at him the way I used to, and I don't know if I can feel for him the way I used to, because lately, after I've been working on it all. I thought about it and everything started to slowly come to naught. And now, if necessary, I am ready to let him go, I am no longer afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to risk my health again.
By the way, he asked the question back then, "What should I do in this case? To looking for another one?"
I didn't know what to say then. However, right now, replaying it in my head, I might have answered like this:
"If you don't like what's going on between us to that extent, then do it. However, the catch is that in this case you will have to say no to our relationship."
Something like this. Am I being too critical? I don't know.
I don't know if it's important or not, but I had my suspicions that he was an energy vampire. I had one of the signs when I'm around him, especially at his place or at my place, that I feel tired afterwards.
On the one hand, I don't want to destroy bridges right away, but at the same time, I'm unlikely to be able to stay in a relationship with someone like that either. I had already lowered myself before, turning a blind eye to some negative moments, thinking that everything would pass and that he would understand and change. I think that I was allowing him to do this and fueling these negative traits of his. Yes, I admit, it was stupid of me, and I remember how my mother sometimes pointed it out when she noticed our quarrels and my tears. She always took my side in such situations and scolded him.
06.04.2026
I go over our relationship in my head and sometimes it makes me feel like a mess. In a way, I love him, but at the same time I'm a little mad at him. Although I understand that it's partly my fault, too, because I've been doing stupid things to him and myself.
Everything seems to be calm right now, but somehow I don't feel calm, or at least I can't feel it.
I also remember during sex, Nicholas mentioned the possibility of making love in threesomes and possible polyamorous relationships. I was wary and skeptical about this, because in all kinds of anime it looks harmonious and all that, but I don't think it's that simple in reality. He mentioned an acquaintance of his who has two women and a child with them, he takes care of both of them and the children. His words, not mine. However, how does he know that he's telling the truth and not blatantly lying to make himself look cool? For the sake of experiment, I might have agreed then, but now I don't think I can do that.
I'm sorry if the text is long and a bit messy, I just needed to talk it out.
I do not know if it was a good idea to post this post, but I think I need it now because I need an outside view.
Should I try to do something about it and try to save something in the relationship, or is it better to save myself (my state of mind, self-esteem and sanity) and run?
Advice and criticism are welcome.