Me and my boyfriend, we'll call him jake (i dont really want to give out his actual name and i dont want to give mine out either) have been together 3 years. A bit more in the recent months we've been having some issues and I would love some advice on it.
From July-December 2025 he was causing arguments on a constant and being very hostile towards me, not hostile in the sense he would hit me but hostile in the sense he would call me names and and just be downright rude towards me for no reason and when drunk would verbally threaten to hit me but never actually would. Towards December it started getting alot worse and would also do it when i was on discord with friends playing games when I was at his of a weekend, the last time he was hostile towards me like this he had been cheating on me with his ex which he had done twice so I was afraid he was doing it again but had no issue handing me his phone if I needed to use it for whatever reason so then thought maybe he wasn't but the thought still lingered for ages and it wasn't getting any better and I had my friends also down my ear yelling anytime they heard him say anything negative towards me and telling me to leave him but I also didn't want to leave and thought things would go back to normal soon but then he started drinking and the threats of physical violence would come into play and I got scared and thought I was loosing him for good. I have an irrational fear of abandonment issues and so when I thought I was loosing him I went to my online boy best friend for comfort and in turn the comfort soon turned into I love yous and then cheating, I deeply regret my actions and was the first time I had ever cheated on anybody but the cheating relationship of sorts my boyfriend found out and threw me out which i saw coming and this online realtionship if you can even really call it that was purely sexual pictures on my end only and dirty talk on both ends there was no real connection. And hated it the entire time so ended up ending things with that person. Once my boyfriend had calmed down he had text me to come over to talk so I went over to talk u explained how I felt the last few months and how my online boy best friend had been there comforting me and it had soon turned into what it was, my boyfriend looked through the messages again and looked at me and said I was used at a vulnerable time and I wasnt sure what to say back to that because i didnt know if he was making excuses for me or being serious and he said he didn't mind me staying friends with that person as long as he could monitor the messages often which I said was fine but did offer to block him if that's what he wanted instead and he said no and said he forgives me but in future start communicating with him more which I said I would.
Fast forward to now he's been really cold the last few weeks and breaking up with me saying its not because he doesn't love me but because he doesn't see how we can move forward after this, I know I broke his trust and I never expected to be forgiven let alone get any sort of trust back, but he then agrees to get back with me and give things a proper go and all I've asked of him since what I done is for him to start communicating too instead of lashing out. Last weekend I was going out with friends and he then again lashed out and blocked me on everything after I had left with no reason why the boy I cheated with is purely an online friend and have never met him this was another boy bsf I know in person and his girlfriend who is also my best friend, then he agreed to actually do what I had suggested before and start going on dates and day outs with me again instead of just sitting around doing nothing every weekend while I am there, he's supposed to be taking anti depressants but he refuses to take them he took them for a week when prescribed said they weren't working and just stopped them, he's still being cold with me now giving one word answers after agreeing to work on things and I'm not sure what to do.
I understand I messed up big time and I will never forgive myself for it. Any advice you can all give me on how to navigate this? I have done nothing but communicate with him and he's not communicating anything he has issues with, with me, he said it's not a trust thing but he doesn't know what it is but he still loves me I don't know what to do my friends are saying leave him but none of them like him anyway because of the things they heard so I don't really trust their opinions to not be biased at the moment. If you want any more clarification on anything let me know and I will reply to your comment giving it as soon as I can!