Hi all, I really need help here because I'm so confused right now.
I (m23) broke up 3 times with this girl (f 20) over the course of last year because what started as my second relationship ever, became something extremely toxic and damaging to myself.
We stayed together for 6 months, she was simply perfect, dropdead gorgeous (and way outta my league), extremely funny, same humour, she was extremely merdy, playing games that almost no one knows, watching movies and series extremely niche that we shared together. And that was my dream, to find someone with my same passions (i live in a small city so it's full of copy and paste people with which I really cant get along or whom I have to hide my passions and interests) so to meet someone like her was amazing.
But she had this fucking BPD, and something called Retroactive Jealousy.
At the beginning sometimes she tried telling me to not date her, that she would hurt me bcs it's what she always does and I tried my best to confort her and show her that she was this amazing person that I so much believed in . Sometimes she would block me bcs otherwise she would be extremely aggressive in my regard and would insult me or worse, I thought I could survive that, turns out that she was much more mean than I thought.
She was extemely jealous, she made me stop following all the girls i was following on apps like ig (i have like 90 follower and they were all friends or girls i talked to years and years before), then she told me that she got cheated on and one time she cheated too for revenge (yikes) and that she was extremely apologetic amd disgusted by her behaviour at the time. That was when the red flags started bcs we met on a dating app, she told me she uninstalled them but find out it was not that she was talking to different guys and I found out because onw of them had a mutual friend of mine. When I told her I found out, she got aggressive, then sche cried for days and I forgave her. I wasn't a very jealous person but she made me worse in that regard,but she was crazy jealous.
As I said she had retroactive jealousy, so for my past experiences (one relationship prior to her and like 6 girls I had sex with) she was completely disgusted and told me countless of times.
One time she asked me if also I was disgusted by her after each time we had sex because she told me that every time we did it she wanted to cry because I had to experience that with someone else in the past. I told her after that, that I would never be intimate w her after that, completely in shock.
It was a time where she was extremely furious and angry w me bcs i had a vacation planned in the summer without her (but with the same friend who told me about her texting other guys on the app, i had organized everything and spent the money before even meeting her) and started telling me that I was going in the same place she got cheated on, that she was sure I would cheat on her (I would have never done that bcs I'm demi) but she just wasn't listening to me, I spent weeks reassuring her, trying to calm her to make her feel safe but in the end, nothing. Sometimes she would do things on purpose like starting following her ex, talking to guys on different dating apps.
I broke up w her on her birthday bcs she spent days begging me to leave her, I did it bcs I was exhausted I woke up w a panic attack at the thought of meeting her and when I sent her the text she started calling me w her mother phone bcs I tried to block her. After guilt tripping me all day the next we were together, one month after I broke up w her again bcs she was getting worse and worse, she tried for some days but it was all the same. Then we had a fight because she wanted to meet a guy (as a friend) from a dating app and only when I was breaking up w her for the third time she accepted to not do that. It was just one week before the vacation and when that came (i asked her multiple times to come but she just kept saying no) she was completely unhinged, getting crazy jealous over the fact that I was in a pool or something like that. One time she told me she would kill herself and for one hour she didn't respond, I kept calling her for one entire hour and then she recalled me to she that she went sleeping to clear her head. As soon as I got off the train back home I broke up the last time w her. We kept texting, she tried contacting me on telegram, discord, she even sent emails which I never responded (and i'm so guilty about that bcs I just want her to be happy despite everything)
I spent months depressed, not taking care of me at all, having only dinner in the evening, smoking weed all day to forget her and after 8 months I'm having Psychoterapy now.
It's 2 months and she's great, I reallt like her but she told me something extremely weird. I tried to stop smoking weed for one week amd at the seventh day I kept dreaming her and I woke up with a terrible pamic attack and couldnt stop crying. I texted my psychoterapist and she told me that I should text my ex (blocked everywhere apart from the mail). I couldn't believe it, in all this time I kept lurking here, seeing all the terrible stories, to mever come back and she, a professional, waa telling me to do something so against what everyone was saying.
Since she didnt answer that day (was sunday) i managed to smoke and monday when she answered that, i told her that maybe it was a bad idea. And she doubles down telling me that I should text her.
Sorry for the wall of text, I literally think im loaing my mind