u/Alone_Atmosphere_387

How do I even begin I just wanna know if anyone’s been kind of through this and what did you do. I’m one of four children. All girls. When I was a child I’ve been sexually abused 3 times. I hate to say it, but. Being the middle child. I feel like I’ve always had to fight for attention. The attention I did get. It wasn’t good I have autism like form of it. There’s things that have happened to me. I’m not even comfortable putting on here. Lately, I’ve been having this feeling of I don’t know who I am anymore. I have chronic pain for years. I’m losing my identity. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like I have to wear a mask. When I was about 22 years old my father choked me outside of my home I lived with them. Looking back I think he was drunk, which doesn’t make it any better. I was actually trying to get away from the situation to not have a fight. He followed me out, threw me to the ground and choked me. He’s never said sorry. In the recent two years, I found out he’s an alcoholic. he’s choked my mom. Multiple times. Sorry the bad grammar and spelling voice writing. But what do I do? I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel like I need therapy. I’ve been depressed for years. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband now who supportive. When I told them everything that’s happened to me. He’s told me that’s pretty messed up. They live like two hours away from me. I always go up there. They don’t come down here. I feel like they have avoided their problems. They don’t talk about it. I don’t know why my mother stays with him. I think it could be a financial thing. My dad’s pretty well off. My mom. I think she just deals with it and I think she’s chronically depressed. I want to be in their lives. I’m just getting really sick of seeing everything and no one dealing with their problems. It’s like I’m seeing a circus and everyone’s got their hands over their ears, ignoring the problems. Like I’ll go to holidays and stuff, but I just. what kind of therapy did you did. What do you do to handle your family. I feel like everytime I see them I have to put on a mask. I feel like they know nothing about me. my hobbies etc. even when we had my husband and I 4th wedding anniversary dinner my mom and dad had made it awkward by bringing up my mom trying to get my dad jealous by having a guy over a long time ago. Note I never heard that story till the dinner. I teared up at the table. We were supposed to celebrate my husband and I marriage. Even one time my sister called me randomly and asked me if I remember going to hang out with a random woman my dad took us too. My sister said I was 2. Like wtf was my childhood why didn’t I remember any of this? Did I block it out I’m 33 now. I just want to heal break the cycle and move on. I realize it’s not on me it’s on them. Anyone else feel this way? I’m so mentally messed up. What type of therapy do I get? I’m the second child I feel like I’m so freaking cliché. It’s not even funny. I don’t wanna have kids. Because of this because I don’t wanna mess up. I wanna stop being angry. I wanna feel like myself again I’m having an identity crisis.