Things used to be bad, like really bad. My husband 26M and I 25F have been together since high school and are best friends. We have a similar sense of humor and can always joke together. My husband’s sense of humor is the main thing that drew me to him. However, minus the first year of our relationship, him and I have consistently struggled in all other areas (though he may deny this).
As soon as we moved out to our own place, problems started. He never picked up after himself and would leave huge messes constantly for me to clean. I didn’t think much at first and just politely asked him to clean up his messes. he would agree but it was never done. Soon, messes stopped being the main issue. He started being grumpy all the time and would snap at me and yell mean things at the smallest inconvenience. Me asking him to do anything around the house was met with anger and yelling and he became totally addicted to his video games. I waited for him to go back to how he was before and that’s the confusing part- he did….for a little bit.…. and then he would became vicious and lazy once again. This was a cycle. He would push me past my limits to the point where I was about to have a mental breakdown. I would blow up on him eventually and then he would start truly trying for a bit before going back to old ways once again.
Fast forward seven years and the situation is similar. The difference is the amount of things I’ve been put through at this point and my withering tolerance for his behavior. I have struggled a lot with OCD and have had issues with alcoholi$m in the past, but have been sober for two years now. I first started drinking heavily when my husband and I first moved out and he was destroying my mental well being. With the onset of depression, my OCD also became significantly worse and he was always there to reassure me when I had a mental breakdown…. even though his behavior was the main reason for most of my anxiety. My drinking became an issue and he allowed it and almost seemed to support it- constantly reassuring me. What I once thought was kindness, I now view apprehensively. After he was loving and kind, he wouldn’t skip a beat before treating me like garbage again, leaving messes for me to clean up (literally did not use the garbage can) and screaming profanities at me at any chance.
We fought all the time, but he would always give me those glimmers of hope- the moments where I saw the version of him I met in high school again. It always came right when my energy was shifting or when I became extremely depressed from the constant verbal attacks and lack of partnership. Eventually, we had babies together. I had postpartum really bad and he was nowhere to be found. He slept all day while I tended to the twins. He didn’t pick up the dirty diapers, sweep, do the dishes, do the laundry, or do any other cleaning. He didn’t check in on me either. I wore the same postpartum pad for a whole week and only changed it because I started to smell rotten. I didn’t bathe, I didn’t eat…. I lost 45lbs in two weeks.… but he never seemed to notice or care. He didn’t offer to help me shower. He didn’t make me eat meals. He only did exactly what was required- he fed the babies and changed diapers (but didn’t throw them away). I began drinking again as I fell into depression. My intrusive thoughts skyrocketed. He lost his job star tree d staying home with the babies. I would call him repeatedly while at work to make sure he was awake with the babies. Some days he answered, some he didn’t. If I got no answer, I would leave at lunch and drive twenty minutes home to check on the babies and they would be screaming and wet through their diapers with him asleep. This wasn’t working. I couldn’t trust him with them.… so we moved somewhere where we could afford for me to be a sahm. I did that for a year and the income from selling our house should have covered the loss from me being unemployed….
It didn’t…. but I didn’t know that. Every time I asked, he said our finances were fine and to stop asking. When I pushed and tried to get actual numbers, I was screamed at. One such conversation led to me crying and locking myself in a bedroom while he screamed at me and kicked the door down... because I “didn’t trust him” if I needed to see the bank information. We eventually moved back to our home state- I was going insane being alone all the time. We had only one vehicle and he would sometimes be gone for weeks for work, leaving me stranded with no friends or family.
Upon moving back, I found out he had been lying to me about finances the whole time. I had asked if we had $10,000 in the account and he said, “something like that”. While on the freeway with our car loaded with all of our earthly possessions, I was looking at and discussing rentals I wanted to check out. This led to him screaming at me and us getting in a blow up argument where he told me the entire savings was gone and we only had about $1,000 left. On top of that, he jacked up my credit card debt by thousands of dollars when I had just paid it down (without telling me). We had nowhere to live so we had to live in a tiny outbuilding (240 square feet) in his parents’ yard. He sold my four wheeler without telling me (to get money) and sold our kayaks without telling me. He “felt ashamed” so he didn’t do anything for months. He slept all day and didn’t help with the kids. He constantly screamed at us and talked about sewer 🛝. I was depressed too but i didnt get to sit around and do nothing. I had to take care of the kids.
Eventually we got jobs and found a rental. I stopped drinking and now I am two years sober and have been in the same rental for two years. We still have the same issues. I have to do everything for everyone while he plays video games and ignores us all or yells at us if we ever interrupt him. We recently got in a huge fight and I told him I wanted a divorce. He decided to change then and there. For months now, he has been on adhd medication and he has been doing a lot better. His outbursts are less frequent and he does help a little with the kids. He is constantly on his video games still. though and always ignores us. He has about twenty minutes a day he devotes to cleaning and giving the kids attention and then it’s time for video games, which he plays until the kids are asleep. His hygeine is also horrible. He chipped a tooth years ago and never had it fixed. I kept telling him to and he refused. Now his breathe smells terrible and he won’t let me look in his mouth to see if there’s an issue. He’s finally going to get it looked at because I made him an appointment- oh and so make all of his appointments for his psychiatrist. Even though it’s better, I still can’t live like this forever and I can’t let go of the past. I have so much anger towards him for the lack of care or empathy he has always shown for my children and I. He still only seems to really do exactly what he thinks he can get away with and no more and I think that’s only so I don’t leave and not because he actually cares about lessening my load. I don’t trust him to care for the kids alone for long periods consistently so I’m scared to divorce him. They start preschool in September and I was considering leaving him then. I just Donny know though. He really is getting better and acting like he’s truly trying and it’s been a couple months this time. I don’t know that I should trust it and I feel like I should probably leave in September when the kids start school. What are your thoughts here?