Who am i?
Hi, first of all i'm 21(AFAB) and i don't know what to do and what to feel.
I've always been boyish and not feminine at all. I've always wanted to be a boy and i still wanna be a man. My friends were always male and i always feel kinda excluded because, well, for everyone i'm a woman.
But the thing is, i'm not always uncomfortable in my female Body and to be frank, i don't want to transition to a man. I wanna be one naturally, i want the looks and characteristics but not that much to fully transition (realistically).
Some days i feel comfortable presenting feminine (Not many but some).
I have a boyfriend, but it's weird. I feel like that is gay, but it's not, because I'm not a man, you know?
I've came out as nonbinary/genderfluid a few years ago to my parents, friends and boyfriend. My parents didn't respect that. Made up some new "gender neutral" words for sibling (in my language) but these felt wrong and they ignored my concerns. So i dropped everything, with my friends as well to not make things uncomfortable for everyone (Them don't getting it and me having to correct them all the time. I also don't like the attention on my gender. I just wanna...be?)
My boyfriend is amazing. He doesn't say "girlfriend" and these typical nicknames but instead we developed our own. I'm a "Noodle" now. Yay! This not being associated with one gender is really nice.
My biggest issue at the moment is, and i know it sounds so damn silly, gender dysphoria caused by attractive men (?)
I recently got into kpop (Pls don't judge me) and i really like the boygroups Ateez and Stray Kids. and GOD THESE MEN ARE ATTRACTIVE but not in a "I wanna be with them/fuck them" way but in almost an envious "I wanna look like that" way. But then i remember, boom, I'm stuck in a curvy body with a big ass, hips, tits and a face that doesn't suit short hair. And, i don't look very masculine.
Luckily i found a clothing style that doesn't make me uncomfortable (Jeans and a black, band or graphic tee) But i think i want to try a binder for my chest and see how that makes me feel.
But overall in terms of society, my looks are wrong, even tho my behavior is more masculine, always has been. And because of that, i come off weird and "off" and neither fit in with the women nor the men.
I think i could really be just nonbinary with some days leaning more male and some days more feminine. Is that possible? Is that okay?
And how do i deal with the dysphoria?
I'm very sorry for rambling