when i was around 10 years old my home life was pretty dysfunctional. My dad was abusive and scared the shit out of my and my siblings, and my parents did not get along. I had online friends on Discord that I would vent to sometimes, and honestly i also just talked about normal kid stuff there too, like dumb crushes and interests i had that i didnt feel comfortable sharing in real life because I knew my family would constantly berate me for it if i told them anything personal. My older sister was around 14 at the time. Somehow, she got access to my discord account/password without me ever knowing. looking back, she mustve had access for a long time because she would randomly bring up things i had mentioned privately to my online friends, but she would act smug about it instead of admitting how she knew in order to make me scared. She also yelled at me, threatening to give my parents the password to my discord where i vented about the chaos in my life to my friends. One thing I remember in particular is that I would clear the browser history because i was embarrassed about things i looked up online. I knew i should've been more careful on the internet. Instead of talking to me normally or telling my parents, my sister started to mess with me psychologically by going on the computer and typing sentences into the search bar like "im always one step ahead" so that whenever i went to clear the history, id see it there in the browser/search history tab. Looking back at it, it sounds hella goofy lol. But i was actually really scared, and it made me more reluctant to tell my family anything personally. I just wish someone actually sat me down and had a conversation with me about the effects of unlimited internet access-- or better yet actually IMPLEMENTED content filters instead of setting up creepy psychological games.
Anyways, today was when i realized how effed up all of that was. Im still not comfortable telling my family anything personal, and to tell them i'm dating someone feels like a death sentence. I dont post myself on any social media, id like to, but the fear of my family humiliating me about every move i make prevents me from doing so. Although the whole story sounds kind of funny, I honestly feel like a weirdo, i feel like this whole family dynamic has seriously messed me up. I want to be confident in what i do without anybody analyzing my every move. I just want to know how to not be like this anymore