My story: I recently divorced after 22 years because he both changed and didn’t change during our time together. When I married him I knew he lived by a stricter set of rules than I did but he told me he was ok with it and only asked me to wear a bra around his mom and to not curse. Cool. I can do that. I live in a morally grey area so I made sure to ask him what his boundaries where in regards to intimacy outside of marriage and he said he was ok with anything except actual penetrative s3x. Cool. I can do that.
We spent the next 3 years in a decidedly vanilla bedroom. I had limited experience before him but wanted to try out everything. It started fine because I was asking for vanilla experiences but as I ramped it up he started saying ‘no’ more often. I asked him to watch p0rn with me and he said no. I asked him if we could Master Bate together and he said ‘no’. I asked him if I could restrain him and said no. Cool. No means no; but as he had set the rules about intimacy outside marriage, when a former boyfriend texted me 'hello', I texted back. Strictly casual at first but quickly changing to spicy emails because I was bored in the bedroom and this was a way I could be happy while respecting Husband's rules. The Ex ‘discovered’ the emails one day and had a complete meltdown. And I say ‘discovered’ because I never hid them; remember he said anything was fine as long as I kept my clothes on. He accused me of ‘emotionally cheating’ and that I was a horrible person. I reminded him of what he’d said and he denied it. Of course. I understand now that’s his MO: deny and deflect. I told him I did it because our bedroom life was so boring, and I hadn’t cheated, just sent texts and email. During our talks he admitted to watching p0rn nightly and Master Bated several times a day. Once he admitted to liking those things, the bedroom got a little better but not much and he gradually retreated back into his stance that the things I wanted were p0rnograpic and didn't have a place in our bedroom.
About 3 years into the marriage, I realized I didn’t love him anymore but I was committed to him. He was a good man, a hands-off but present father, a good provider, and we had fun together. I dedicated myself to making him happy (but not losing my identity), giving him a good life, and committed myself to s3x with him at least once a week. (And I’m not a starfish either. I’m very active.) I loved him as a friend; but not as a partner. I thought we were ok.
3 years ago, we went to an all-inclusive Caribbean resort for the first time and had an amazing time! It was wonderful! Until it wasn’t. We’d spent the day hanging out together, dancing, and drinking, and eating, and just living the best life ever. When we got back to the room, late at night, he wanted to be intimate but I just didn’t have it in me. I told him I didn’t have the energy but that I’d take care of him in the morning. He begged to at least let him rub himself on my back, and I said ok because that seemed like a good compromise. I didn’t have to be extremely active for that and he got what he wanted.
The next morning, he said he needed to talk to me, pulled me against his chest as he lay in bed, and told me that I had been a bad wife the previous night, and that I’d been a bad wife for years because I only had s3x with once a week and I needed to have s3x with him any time he asked and I needed to step up my game. It broke me. I had dedicated my life to making him happy, including sexy times, and to hear him dismiss it all just broke me.
I tried for a year to fix things between us but I couldn’t. One year after it happened, Former Boyfriend reached out to me (the same one from the start of my story) and we started chatting. It was like someone finally breathed oxygen into my soul. I realized how stressed I’d been with Ex Husband. Ex Husband criticized everything I did, he constantly said I hurt his feelings, he blamed me for our finances, and when I’d try to talk to him he’d roll his eyes and walk away. Former Boyfriend, and some new friends I’d met, would all tell me I was the nicest person they knew and I would never hurt a fly but my Ex Husband was constantly telling me in little ways how inadequate I was.
I signed up for one-on-one therapy and worked on myself while asking him to find a couples therapist for us. He brushed it off for almost 9 months and then he must have seen something in my expression because he finally found one. It was too late. Too much disrespect towards me. Too much walking on eggshells because his feelings were hurt all the time. And he did change from when we first met; or he didn’t change but hid it when we were dating. I am open and accepting to almost everything but he has harsh opinions about non-Christians, non-straight people, people dating someone more than 15 years their junior, how people should dress in public, how they should behave in public, rules for the dinner table, rules for what foods could touch each other. We did discover he is on the spectrum but he was absolutely not that strict or closed off when we first started dating. He changed… and didn’t change… All the times he told me he was disappointed in me was his way of manipulating me. I detest disappointing people! Be mad at me; I won’t care. Be disappointed in me and I will move heaven and earth to make you happy.
We had around 6 couple's therapy sessions and they were decent but I knew that our marriage couldn’t be saved. It was cathartic to hear him admit that he did always deny all blame because he was afraid if I became angry with him I’d leave him. The therapist asked me how I usually felt at home and I told it felt like I was a fragile egg with cracks going everywhere and that one wrong word from me or one wrong gesture would trigger his disapproval and add another fracture to my shell. During one of our appointments the therapist told me to not overthink it and to just answer the question, “What do you want from this marriage,” and I responded right away, “I want a divorce.” And that was it.
I’ve been working with him to have a civil divorce. We had a mediator instead of a lawyer, and we worked everything out between the two of us. I’m struggling now because he keeps sending emails apologizing for how he treated me and then adding on at the end how my behavior triggered his mistreatment of me. *sigh He wants to stay friends but I don’t see how I can be friends with someone who blames me for everything. He asked me the other day, “What did you do try and get me to change?” He wanted to argue that I hadn’t tried enough to change him or pushed enough for therapy.
Today, 3 months after I said, "I want a divorce," I am officially with Former Boyfriend and could not be happier. He is open to everything! He is accepting of everything! We talk about everything! I've told him I am not ready to be exclusive and not looking for marriage and he said he'd take me anyway he could have me. When I apologize for hurting his feelings he just holds me tells me I wasn't unkind in any way and that the Learned Conditioning will fade in time. When I want to explore in bed he doesn't push me away or act disgusted but says I can do whatever I want (we have a safe word! Don't worry!)
I know this was long but hopefully my story can help someone else facing this same thing. If I had stayed with him, my soul would have gradually withered away and nobody would have noticed; not even me. Don't let your soul wither...