So I have a boyfriend and we've recently decided not to have sex. This was for many reasons. My ex bf and I were purely sex, so every time we have sex, I feel like that's all I have to offer. I'm trans, so I've been having some dysphoria, and I'm not sure if I enjoy it. I've also just stopped seeing the point of sex.
I've been looking into it due to being a curious person, and I've realized I don't have any real interest in porn. I mean, some of the ideas in it can be hot, but I don't think of it as anything, really. It's just a skin and body parts being close. And I've never cared for gender, but nothing about any gender is attractive in a sexual way. I can watch porn and it doesn't really affect me because it doesn't seem like there's a goal or anything.
Sure, I'll see my boyfriend shirtless and want to lick him, but that's different. I don't think about having sex with him, really. I think about the stuff leading up to sex, but not the real sex part. It's not that he's not hot. He's really attractive. I like kissing and touching but with some clothing on top cover things. I'll touch his dick. I like it. But that's the extent, really. I'm not the biggest fan of him touching me in some ways. The issue is I enjoy being kind of a whore in my own little way. I like teasing, but I just feel like if I do the teasing, I have to do the pleasing then after. Today, and part of the reason I'm making this, we masturbated next to each other, and that was quite lovely
I had a lot of sex with my ex, as I've mentioned, so I don't know if I'm actually asexual. The first time I had sex was purely because I was curious about dicks. I think I've always felt this way, but I like teasing and my ex would take that to mean I wanted sex and I never told him the truth because when I did, he'd guilt me into it anyway.
To conclude: I don't want to have sex stuff, but I enjoy and initiate sexual activities. I've had a lot of sex and I'm not sure how into it I ever was. I don't find anything sexually appealing, but I feel like I have. I feel like something is weird with me, but I don't know if this is an asexual thing or if there's a more accurate term.
Any feedback or questions please