Hey everyone, I’m so glad I found this sub. I recently read the Depression Fallout book and have never related more to a book in my life. Learning that my partners untreated depression is the cause of so much of our turmoil was a breakthrough.
A little backstory, my husband and I dated for 3 years before we’re were married and had a happy first two years of marriage. Bought a house, fixed it up, all was great. I got pregnant and then the pandemic hit (depression trigger for many), then both of my parents died within 3 months of one another (another double whammy) then I had our child—a happy moment but also comes with a lot of postpartum emotions for me and him, then my husbands father was diagnosed with dementia and he passed in March. Since the pandemic and all of those events, our marriage hasn’t been the same. He’s been miserable, grumpy, emotionally distant, not motivated to improve our home, doesn’t want to go on dates, etc etc. He acknowledges he’s depressed but blames it on where we live (a small university town, he enjoys big cities, on not having friends which he blames on not being from the US and not connecting with people, and on not being further in his career). We have discussed moving to a bigger city and are both currently looking for jobs, but I know that this isn’t the root cause of his depression.
It comes to a head often when I try to show affection and he says he has no energy for it (even something as simple as a hug) he says he saves it for our daughter. But even she picks up on his moods and gravitates more toward me. On the weekends, he complains about any plans, so I just make plans with my daughter and we do our own thing. I’m to the point where I need something to change. I’m going to start therapy myself and I’m hoping he will follow suit, but if he doesn’t I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
I just wish he would read more about the disease and how his thought patterns and behaviors are textbook. I wish he would get professional help. He’s tried therapy and says it doesn’t work but I don’t think he’s ever stuck with it long enough. He also has a big aversion to medication (even for physical stuff. For example, he has high cholesterol and could take a pill but instead adheres to a very strict diet and gets super stressed if he doesn’t follow it. It’s so debilitating we can’t even go out to restaurants much.
There’s a lot more to say, but I’m just grateful to have a space to put this out there. Any advice on how to approach perhaps persuading him to get help are welcome.