I (30F) and my husband (30M) live close to both our families. My brother and his wife (SIL) live about 4 hours away. For the last three years since they’ve moved, we’ve attempted to visit them at least once, if not 2 to 3 times a year. My mom, especially, goes up "no questions asked" whenever they need help with their two young kids.
However, staying at their house has become increasingly uncomfortable each time. SIL has developed a set of ‘rules’ that make us feel like hired help. Just a couple examples:
We must arrive and leave at designated times to avoid nap disruptions. SIL has the kids wake us up at dawn whenever we stay, but we can’t make any noise when we wake up like watching TV, or using devices. We have to "play quietly" until she and my brother wake up. We are always expected to stay at their house (hotels are discouraged), but we essentially feel like babysitters the whole time we are there. At designated times, we have to keep the kids busy and away from my brother and SIL. So, take them outside for an hour or go to the mall. Allowing them time for an adult project.
The ‘feud’ started with my niece’s birthday party. My mom mentioned to my niece when she was visiting, that her and myself would be there. SIL sent a group text after my mom left scolding us for not talking to her first about it, saying our presence would be "inconvenient" and space was limited. When I apologized and said we wouldn't come, she flipped—telling us we had to come or we’d be responsible for a "disappointed 6yo." We even offered to get a hotel to stay out of her way at one point, to which she doubled down on the inconvenience on her. I ultimately apologized for the confusion and that my niece would be disappointed, and said we would not be coming. Later, she asked us to be the ones to break the news to my niece - who by the way seemed OK with this.
Then came Christmas. When we asked them if they would consider coming to my parents' house, they refused, citing the long drive and unpredictable Midwest winters. Which was ironic, as we had cited the exact same safety concerns about driving to them in previous years. When we discussed a makeup date in January/February, she claimed they were "too busy" because of a family vacation. It became pretty clear at this point that travel only happens on her terms.
Fast forward to a month ago. SIL texted a "directive" that they were coming to stay at our house in June. I asked for a phone call to discuss details—we have an older house and I felt self-conscious about hosting, and I wanted to manage expectations since texting had become so toxic.
She refused the call at first, claiming my "hesitancy" meant I didn't want them there. She then sent an incredibly long text in the family group chat, listing every time she felt we had "done her wrong." When I texted her 1:1 asking her to stop airing grievances in the group chat, she replied: “I just want our children’s wellbeing to be more important to you guys than your convenience... they deserve better.”
We finally got on a 3-way call (Me, Mom, SIL). I tried to explain my hosting anxiety. SIL didn't care. She went through a laundry list of how she felt I prioritized my husband’s family over hers. Multiple times throughout the conversation I apologized for miscommunications we had been having and asked how we could move forward. Every single time she blew my question off and continued to say very unfair things to us.
Then, she took it to another level. She blamed me for giving my niece RSV when she was just a couple months old, saying at one point: “You don’t know what it’s like to hold a lifeless child in your arms.” (My niece is now OK! She was in the hospital for a few days at the time and is a healthy 6yo now).
I was so caught off guard by the sheer absurdity and cruelty of that statement that I let out a shocked, nervous laugh. It was the only way to keep myself from crying. She called me immature, told me "actions have consequences," and that’s when I knew the call had to end. I told her the conversation was no longer productive and that I would be hanging up. I was emotionally exhausted.
I ended up texting my brother about a week later asking to speak 1:1. He told me his "cup was overflowing" and he'd call me the following week. That was three weeks ago.
I've learned she is now telling my mom that I "haven't reached out" since I hung up on her (ignoring my text to my brother-or he didn't tell her about it). I have no interest in a relationship with her anymore, but she is the gatekeeper to my brother and my niece and nephew.
I'm truly at a loss. I honestly don't have the mental energy to keep dealing with this, but at the same time I hate thinking there is any bad blood out there. Any advice?