u/Alcaloid

Literally two days ago I posted on here asking how the hell do you actually leave. After 5 years of emotional and psychological abuse he hit me.

Yesterday I claimed it was my one boundary

I started recording him mid argument. I know it was petty on my end. He tried taking my phone from my hands and I accidentally scratched him because I wouldn't let him have it. He slapped me and my glasses flew off my face. Afterwards he kept saying how he couldn't believe I scratched him. He has a skin condition ( probably eczema) and is afraid any scratch or wound will make the flare worse. So based on this he started threatening me saying how he would never forgive this and that he would kill me (not the first threat of this kind)

After a while i packed a bag, just essentials, phone, charger, wallet and a change of clothes, and left. I'm currently in the building in front of our apartment door. I can't get myself to leave even though I have a place I can go. I'm just sitting here unable to go, go back or do anything. It bothers me that its 1am. I feel so alone right now. I'm honestly debating just sleeping here for a couple of hours until morning when I can get a carrier for my pet ( the ones we have are all his) i can't bear leaving without her.

I know the flair and title are sort of contradictory but I'm sick of people telling me to just leave.

I've heard it all, just do it, just go, make a plan, call the police, call a friend, imagine it was your friend instead... I know it would be best for me to leave, I just can't manage to get myself to do it. There's not a single day that i don't think about leaving. Objectively I'm aware that this is horrible. I feel like something is wrong with me because I'm so frozen and just can't take the logical next step. I know what the statistics say, I know it takes 7 attempts on average and that's honestly soul crushing.

A bit about my situation:

We're both around 30 and have been together 5 years, living together 3.5.

He's extremely verbally abusive. Swearing, name calling, screaming and even threatening physical violence though none has directly occurred yet.

He blame shifts and doesn't take accountability. He's extremely critical to the point where I stopped doing things I liked to do with/for a partner. When he was sick I asked him what he was doing and he got pissed at me because asking him that just reminds him that he's sick and can't do anything. He made a situation out of it and claimed I had no respect for him. He just gets triggered over the smallest things to the point where I feel like I'm constantly on eggshells.

He used to throw shit around but has stopped since I was once very close to breaking it off. I had called my family to help out and he had left but i gave in and called him back after a few empty promises were made.

He wants sex every day and says that we don't have to. I can just say the word but I shouldn't expect him to spend time with me if we're not doing it.

I started to do SH since we've been together. He uses my episodes as ammuniton. Every issue I have is answered with "but you SHed infront of me, you can't possibly ask me to control my anger when you can't control yours"

I've been close to successfully ending things twice. Once before we lived together and this more recent attempt.

I've been in therapy for 8 months and my therapist has been gently encouraging that I find my peace without him. I appreciate that she's not pushing me. She does however say that I'll be able to do it when I'm ready, that I'll know that I am ready but so far I haven't felt it and it feels like I won't ever.

I just feel so trapped yet I am extremely lucky in other aspects. I have options - a place to go if I manage to leave. I have support - family, friends, colleagues, therapy. I feel like a complete dumbass for not leaving even though I have the chance, every day, to just pack a bag, go and send my family to deal with my stuff and getting him to move out (its their house) I know some people would give anything to have the opportunities and support that I have and I feel so fucking guilty for not using what I have.

I would just really appreciate advice on how to handle this mentally and emotionally and maybe some practical tips to get myself in the right headspace to be able to do this.