A close friend of mine (25M) is going through something and I genuinely don’t know how to help him properly.
He’s a good-looking guy, tall, confident, decent social circle, no shortage of attention if he wanted it. Not the desperate type at all. I’ve known him for over 10 years, basically like a brother, and he’s genuinely one of the more sincere people I know.
He was with this girl for a while. In the beginning she came across as extremely loyal, very serious about him, the whole “I’m not like other girls” type. Later she got into modeling and started changing a lot socially. My friend was actually pretty chill and supportive about it. He wasn’t controlling or insecure about her career or lifestyle.
But over time he started noticing things felt off.
He later found out she had been flirting with other guys. The moment he found out, he blocked her and cut contact.
Then she came back apologizing, saying she realized her mistake, that she regretted everything, wanted another chance, all of that. He gave her another chance genuinely and wholeheartedly.
After that, things got worse.
She started doing shady stuff, staying out really late, hanging around with guy friends in ways that crossed obvious relationship boundaries, being vague about things, and whenever he’d question anything she’d flip it on him.
Classic gaslighting stuff.
She’d make him feel like he was insecure, toxic, controlling, overreacting etc, even when his concerns were pretty reasonable considering the history.
Eventually he started reacting emotionally because anyone would after enough confusion and disrespect. The problem is she then used those reactions as “proof” that he was the problem all along.
Now they’re done, but he can’t move on. It's been around 2 years now.
Logically he knows this wasn’t healthy. He knows he was manipulated. He knows she crossed lines multiple times.
But mentally he keeps replaying everything, questioning himself, wondering if he overreacted, wondering if he could’ve handled things differently.
It’s like he knows the truth but emotionally hasn’t caught up.
(Yeah, I mightve simplified the story a bit but this is what it is in a nutshell.)
As his friend, what do I even tell him?
How do you help someone stop idealizing a person who clearly damaged their peace?
Anyone who’s been through something similar, what actually helped you detach and move on?