u/AlaskaRom13

I’m going through a breakup that has completely scrambled my brain and I genuinely cannot tell if I’m seeing the relationship clearly anymore.

We had a very intense anxious/avoidant dynamic, but the relationship also felt very emotionally real and meaningful. We were exclusive, extremely physically attached, emotionally bonded, and spent a huge amount of time together. He told me multiple times that the relationship “wasn’t casual” in his eyes, that he’d “never fought so hard” for a relationship before, and that we were always “2 steps forward, 1 step back.”

The relationship actually started more casually because early on he had said he didn’t want anything serious. At one point because of that, I tried to leave the relationship entirely. But after that, he really stepped up emotionally and effort-wise. We became much closer, much more connected, and honestly things had been going genuinely well before the final rupture happened. That’s part of why this whole thing is so confusing to me.

I also tried VERY hard to be emotionally safe with him because I knew he got overwhelmed easily. I suppressed a lot of my needs and honestly accepted less than I should have for a long time because I loved him and didn’t want to push him away. We only had two major arguments our entire relationship.

The final rupture happened because I was calmly and kindly trying to bring up ONE issue I had been feeling hurt about, but he became dismissive/defensive during the conversation and it triggered a much bigger emotional reaction from me because I had already been holding so much in for so long. I wasn’t screaming insults or being cruel or anything like that, but I WAS brutally honest and emotional in a way I normally tried very hard not to be.

What makes this even more confusing is that before the argument happened, he was literally reaching for my hand all night and trying to stay physically close to me. I could tell he genuinely felt connected to me.

After the argument, he became very withdrawn/deactivated, but he did NOT end things immediately. He actually said he still wanted to try to work through things.(because I asked repeatedly if we were okay).Over the next week though, he was clearly overwhelmed and processing everything heavily with his roommates/friends (one of them is also my friend).

This is where things get really confusing:
Apparently while processing with them he was minimizing the relationship and saying things like it “I told her it wasn’t serious I made it pretty clear,” which shocked me because privately he had said the exact opposite to me.

Then my friend/his roommate  told me he was  going to end things that same day. I completely panicked at the thought of waiting around to be left, so I abruptly ended things first over text. Apparently he had NO idea I was going to do that and according to my friend he was extremely “shook” afterward. She said he came out afterward talking to them saying things like:
“ it feels different now that she’s the one who did it”
and apparently his ego was really bruised and his other roommate was trying to reassure him saying it was “just an ego thing.” He also apparently said “why did we even wait all week to do this then?” But my friend said the look on his face was utter shock and fear.

Then he blocked me immediately afterward.

Now I genuinely cannot tell what was real.

Part of me feels like he genuinely loved me and got overwhelmed/deactivated by emotional pressure and conflict. Another part of me feels used because I spent so much of the relationship trying to be careful, understanding, and emotionally accommodating while getting very little actual security back.

What confuses me most is:
How can someone act deeply attached and emotionally invested, yet also suddenly minimize the relationship while processing a breakup?

Also:
Do you think me ending it first significantly changed the emotional experience for him?
Does this sound like someone who loved me but became overwhelmed, or someone who was emotionally checked out long before I realized?
And do avoidant people ever unblock/reach back out after emotionally intense breakups like this?

I genuinely can’t tell what this relationship actually was anymore.

I(25f) work at an elementary school and something uncomfortable happened that’s now making me worried about my reputation.

Earlier this year, we had an issue with a student taking items out of other students’ backpacks either stealing them, throwing them away, or moving them around into other students backpacks. It took a long time to figure out who it was, but we finally did a few weeks ago and it’s stopped since then.

Last week, I was in the classroom with 24 first graders and 2 coworkers when one(39f) of them suddenly realized her sunglasses were missing. She said she had left them on a group table nearby, but they were gone. She never left the classroom so it was odd how we didn’t see anything or anyone take them. She searched everywhere and started asking staff and students if anyone had seen them. She was really upset so it all felt like such a big deal. 

At one point she asked me, and Im incredibly hyper vigilant so I could tell she was kind of scanning my reaction, and kind of suspected,  which I understand given the situation, so I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Then it was recess time and the only thing that might make me look suspicious is that I was the only one who briefly went back into the classroom after the students left for recess. I had taken a student back in to grab his water bottle. When I came back out, I noticed a couple coworkers looking at me, but again, I didn’t think much of it.

Later, when we were all back in the classroom, I asked if she had found the sunglasses. She said they were under the same table she had already checked, and another coworker(26F) added something like, “I don’t know how that’s possible, someone must had to have put them there and I don’t know when the kids would have had a chance to do that” The way it was said felt a bit pointed. And this coworker wasn’t looking me in the eyes at all, neither of them were. 

Since then, things have felt off. Those coworkers I had been getting close to have been distant, one of them completely isn’t engaging with me and one of them commented that I’ve been “quiet lately,” which also felt a little loaded, there was tone to it that was a bit accusatory. I have been quieter than usual, but that’s because I’ve been dealing with personal stuff outside of work.

For context, I did not take the sunglasses. But now I’m overhearing bits of conversation, and it feels like people may be making assumptions without actually asking me directly. Not many people but definitely the ones that mattered to me. 

I just don’t understand how quickly they’ve jumped to that assumption when it’s completely out of my character, we already had a class thief, and the class is so chaotic that we miss things happening all the time(it’s a massive topic of discussion bc the class is disorganized) . People I thought were friendly didn’t really give me the benefit of the doubt, and now I’m worried this could turn into a reputation issue over something I didn’t do. And it makes me feel like those girls were just looking for an opportunity to pounce on me. 

I’m not sure if I should address it directly, bring it up to admin, or just let it die down. I also don’t want to make it bigger than it already is.

Has anyone dealt with something like this at work? How do you handle suspicion or gossip when you know you didn’t do anything wrong?