u/Alarming_Tear_8347

I’m so tired of giving, my energy, my time, my effort, my money, my happiness, my worth, my body, my soul, my heart, my strength, my goodness, my kindness, my patience, my empathy. I give and give until there’s nothing left.

And it always seems to be the same kind of people, emotionally unavailable, carrying their own unresolved issues, major mental illness, putting on a great act in the beginning. The ones who take just seem to gravitate toward me. They drain me, and the moment I finally stand up for myself, after being pushed to my limit, I’m suddenly the villain.

It makes me wonder if there are even genuinely good people out there, or if everyone is just walking around thinking they’re the main character, treating everyone else like they don’t matter.

Has anyone ever sent a message thinking, “This is the last one, I’m letting go,” only to spiral into sending a whole series of long texts? Like, somehow you convince yourself they’ll read it, and then you regret it because it became way too vulnerable. Then you get stuck in this loop, trying to overcorrect the last message, when really, every message ends up being a chapter long.

I honestly hope he just deletes every single one. I hope he doesn’t read them, because I just want to move on. I feel worse because of that weak moment, more depressed, and more angry at both him and myself. Him, for being such a lame asshole that he can’t even say two words, “I’m sorry”, and me, for caring enough to still be affected by his silence.

I just don’t trust people anymore. I’d rather stay in my own solitude, and the moment I start to feel lonely or crave connection, I want to push it away. I focus on the things that genuinely bring me joy, things that won’t break my heart or chip away at who I am, because lately I can feel that starting to slip.

Because, in my experience, people suck. They dump their problems on me, use me, and then toss me aside like I’m nothing.

Have you ever drunk-texted someone and then realized, “Shit… I was way too honest”? But then you think, fuck it, they probably won’t even read it, and if they do, it needed to be said anyway.

I’m at that point where I truly don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t see a future with him at all, why would I want someone so heartless in my life? So honestly, fuck it. Maybe I was a little too detailed, a little too raw, but I don’t care.

I don’t care what he thinks of me, or even if he cares at all. I’m still angry, but I can feel that anger slowly turning into indifference.

The long silence, the mistreatment, the hurtful, hateful words, the lack of accountability, the lack of acknowledgment, no apologies, just silence and complete disrespect. What’s attractive about any of that? Nothing. Those are all the reasons, and that’s on him.

I don’t want to care anymore, and I don’t want to love him anymore.

​

Why do I keep thinking about that night we shared? It comes in flashes. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet I can still remember the way your hand rested on me, the warmth of your breath against my skin. The way you kissed me, so gentle, almost innocent, and how you looked at me like you were waiting for permission.

That kiss had been building for years. I felt it the moment our lips met. You waited for the right moment, the right time, the right place… and somehow, it was perfect.

We had been circling our feelings since the day we met, pretending what we had wasn’t something rare, something intense.

The way you looked into my eyes… it felt like we were speaking without words. I love you. I’ve always loved you. This moment matters.

No one has ever looked at me like that before, or since. I had never felt that kind of intensity and safety at the same time. I knew I loved you long before that night, and I knew then that I always would.

It became the most intimate moment of my life, not because of what we did, but because of what we understood without speaking. In that moment, we belonged to each other. I was yours, and you were mine. You gave me a silent promise, that I would always live in your heart, and I gave that same promise back to you.

You were so gentle, so careful, like you were afraid rushing would break something. The way you held me… I could feel you wanted to hold onto that moment just as much as I did.

And even now, after all these years, after everything has changed, after the wounds, the walls, part of me is still there, on that apartment floor, looking into your eyes, having that silent conversation.

And sometimes, late at night when everything is quiet, I can’t help but feel like a part of you is still there too… looking back at me, saying everything without saying a word.

I never really had a hero growing up, maybe Anne Frank. At just 13, her life was completely uprooted and changed, yet she never lost hope that the war would end and she would survive. She was an incredible writer, and I always thought about how much insight she had at such a young age, how, if she had lived into adulthood, she could have achieved so much, made real change, and reached so many people.

Now that I’m an adult, I still admire Anne Frank, but I also see myself differently. I think I’ve become my own hero. I inspire myself. I’m proud of who I am, the roads I’ve walked, the pain I’ve survived. No matter how hard things get, even when I fail, I don’t give up… even when I want to sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could have one final letter from you the honest kind. One that explains why things happened the way they did, but also shows that you valued us… that you valued me. A letter that tells me how much that night meant to you, and why you walked away. Something as emotional as the words I’ve carried, something that helps me finally let go.

I imagine being able to read it whenever I start to miss you, a reminder that what we had was real and irreplaceable even if we both go on to love other people. That you didn’t truly mean those hurtful things you said.

I wish it could be soft and sincere, but still final.

Something I could print out and hold, or even better, something written in your handwriting like the notes you used to give me. I’d trace the paper you once touched, and maybe it would make letting you go easier because our last words wouldn’t be filled with pain.

And if tomorrow never comes, I’d at least know that we loved each other in a way that could never be replaced.

So stupid it makes you actually pissed off at them, you pour your heart out and they can't even respond with I'm sorry. Or i understand. Its cowardly. Especially when they are the assholes that blindsided you with this.

I feel so pissed off, he owns it to me but hes just too cowardly to face himself. The things he said for literally no reason really make me want to punch him in his face.

Be a fucking man, admit you hurt me. Stop rewriting history, give me something. Good I hate this. It's so hard giving yourself closure.

Does anyone else have there avoidants texting in a private folder?? So you don't have to be reminded every day that they aren't texting you back?

I didn't think you'd kiss me-

but you did.

And time...

time forgot how to move.

You pulled away just enough

To study my face

Like you were searching

For something you never lost

I was stunned-

After all those years

All that silence

All that distance...

You still loved me

I felt it in the way you kissed me-

Soft, gentle,

Almost innocent

Like nothing in us had ever been broken

And everything I buried for you,

Rose at once,

Spilling into the moment

We somehow found again.

It was real-

So real

That even now

Decades later

I remember everything

The color of your shirt

The nervous breath you swallowed

The way your eyes held mine

Like they always had

Even the quiet

Even the rhythm

Of our hearts

beating fast

Together

Mine thundered in my ear

Yours answered just as strong

When I leaned into you

I loved you

I had always loved you

But I never believed

I deserved you

Until that night

That night, i didn't run

I didn't hide

I didn't break it

Before it could begin

I let you in

All the way

And you met me there

Every glance

Every touch

Every breath between us

It wasn't small

It wasn't fleeting

It was everything

The room dim and quiet

Light bending soft around us

Casting shadows that danced

Like they knew

What this meant

Sometimes it caught your face just right

And youd look at me

Like you always loved my eyes

And I looked back

With something deeper than words

Something that lived

In the soul

There was no distance left

No doubt

No fear

Just warmth

Just closeness

Just us

On that floor

On that early spring night

That somehow felt like fire

No walls

No barriers

Nothing between us

But truth

That was our first night

The most intimate

Most important moment

Of my life

And somewhere in the silence that followed,

I think

It was yours, too.