The Situation:
I have been in a long-distance relationship for a year. My partner is incredible in many ways: he’s a self-made professional, very hardworking, and extremely consistent. I am a highly sensitive person who values deep, authentic communication. I’m currently finishing my degree and planning to relocate for my career soon and we will be in the same place. We have frequently talked about us and our future together.
The Background:
We come from different social backgrounds. I grew up comfortable; he grew up in extreme financial struggle. He is very logical and I suspect he may be neurodivergent. Not an issue to me as I’m open to communication and learning better on that part.
The Discovery:
I am very intuitive about a major family secret he hasn't told me: his father has a history of domestic violence toward his mother and siblings. My partner describes his father as a "a good person who could've done better and he doesn’t respect all parts of him," while that’s partially true, it feels like a massive understatement now that I know the truth(i accidentally discovered it). I have tried having that conversation by not directly bringing it up but he hasn’t disclosed it to me yet. I never grew up in a family like that so it’s not normal to me. I love him, and I see him trying to be a "cycle breaker." He is reliable and caring. May be he’s fearful i might walk away if he reveals that to me or he is shameful about that. I don’t know. I love him and I won’t ever love him less for his family history and his character matters to me more. However, I’ve decided I won't formally commit or marry him until he brings this history up himself. I don’t want to marry a "mask" or inherit a family dynamic built on secrets.
The dilemma:
If you were me would you wait for him to disclose this, or is a "secret" like this something people just take to the grave? I want the disclosure not to decide whether or not i will stay but how to navigate out future- because i understand people cannot choose what parents to born to. But what is he never discloses? That would’t feel intimate enough to lead to a marriage.
Edit 1: The culture I come from it’s not just two individuals getting married. Families are heavily involved too which includes me living with his family or them living with us in the future periodically. I want to discuss this earlier so we can navigate boundaries for the future and keeping our relationship peaceful and healthy.