My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years (living together for 3). We have a very good relationship and he is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner.
We both had very difficult/traumatic childhoods due to neglect, physical abuse, etc. Although we have grown as people and learned to forgive our parents, it’s clear that these events still affect us to this day. We recently had a conversation about how we struggle to get along with the other person’s parents because of how badly they harmed us as children. However, we’re always very polite and cordial with them.
Despite this, my mother uses every opportunity to criticise my boyfriend over minor things. If I take the initiative (as a woman) to do some DIY projects around the house, she will complain about him ‘not helping me’ and letting me do ‘the man’s jobs.’ My sister often chimes in to defend my mom’s perspective (they can both be very volatile) and has told me my boyfriend is not ‘a real man’ because I painted the kitchen on my own when he was away visiting family.
I obviously don’t tell them every time my boyfriend washes the dishes, cleans the house, etc. (cause why would I?) so they automatically assume that he doesn’t do it because I don’t talk about it. My mom had a very negative experience with my father in the past so I understand why she would be apprehensive, but she takes it too far and insults my partner/insinuates awful things about him. If I try to offer an explanation (e.g. ‘I’m doing this DIY project because it’s a skill I want to develop for myself independent of a man), she will flip the narrative and tell me that I can’t rely on him. No matter what information I give her, she is never satisfied and is constantly looking for red flags/indicators of abuse.
I should also clarify that she is the one who emotionally and physically abused me as a child, which makes this whole thing very ironic. Has anyone else dealt with this? Nothing I say will ever satisfy her and it’s like she’s resigned to creating her own narrative instead of accepting the truth.