Mom complex anxiety, depression
Hello everyone. My family could really use some guidance about my mom’s mental health situation.
Since my dad died suddenly in October 2024, my mom (70) has been struggling with severe anxiety and depression. Every morning she wakes up in a panic attack — shaking, hyperventilating, terrified — but by nighttime she often seems much more “normal.” For the past year she’s repeated the same thing constantly: “I’m scared, but I don’t know what I’m scared of.”
At first we thought this was grief, but it now feels deeper and more chronic. Honestly, our whole family is emotionally exhausted and unsure what else to do.
Some background:
My mom had severe depression years ago and eventually found a medication that kept her stable for nearly 20 years. Mental illness also runs in her family, and her father was institutionalized multiple times during her childhood, which deeply affected her.
She lived with my dad in the same desert home for 30 years. My brother and I now live in the Pacific Northwest. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack in their bathroom, and my mom had to perform CPR on him. It was extremely traumatic, and at this point I think she’s dealing as much with trauma as grief.
Her routine now is basically:
Wake up panicking
Clean/feed the dog
Force herself to eat
Nap
Make dinner for her brother, who comes over daily for company
She gets overwhelmed very easily and has become extremely dependent on routine and familiar people.
One complication is her brother. He means well, but my brother (a psychologist) and I both feel he may unintentionally reinforce her negativity and anxiety.
Treatment-wise:
Duloxetine and daily Xanax
Tried Spravato/ketamine, but it didn’t help
Considering TMS and EMDR
Has seen the same psychologist for 15+ years, who seems helpful
Insurance therapist feels surface-level and ineffective
She also struggles constantly with GI issues (constipation/diarrhea), which obviously worsens everything physically and mentally. She’s seeing a GI specialist this week.
Isolation is another huge issue. She stopped driving after a panic attack caused a small accident, and now feels trapped in the house and dependent on her brother for errands and appointments. She doesn’t really have hobbies, purpose, or social connections anymore.
My brother and I call often, text daily, visit when we can, and are trying to involve a social worker. But nothing seems to move the needle. She keeps saying she doesn’t know if she’ll ever get better. She says she has “no reason to live besides her kids and her brother,” but she’s not actively suicidal.
At this point I’m wondering whether staying in the same house — where my dad died and where every memory exists — is preventing any healing. I’ve been thinking maybe she should move closer to us in the PNW, possibly into independent or assisted living where she’d have more support, community, and access to better healthcare.
Has anyone experienced something similar with a parent after a traumatic loss? Especially the severe morning panic attacks, trauma responses, or complicated grief/depression? Did anything actually help?
Any insight would really mean a lot.