I genuinely need help
Hello everybody I am 16( male) and I am/ got addicted to pornography at the age of 12 and ever since then my life has been absolutely horrendous , I fucked up my health badly because of it and now I try to masturbate to try and numb my feeling of despair and honestly the past 3 months have been so unforgiving for me. I suffered from brainfog and due to It I had very little clarity and I had to give my board exam( for class 10) with it and it didn't go well....and my mother keeps bringing it up as if to make me feel upset all the time and when I finally found myself a girlfriend things seemed to go downhill because ever since my father found out that we kissed he got so livid that he broke my phone and slapped me , I cried really badly that day and he forced me to break up with her , but the thing is I am still in touch with her secretly because I really love her....and I don't want my parents to find out. Also for almost 1.5 months I had a case of severe anxiety where everything was giving me anxiety and it still does it ruined my football matches that I had and I got to play for the first time for my school and it went horrible , everybody blamed me for losing and I honestly lost all hope since then( april first week) ever since then I tried to rebuild myself but I find myself failing repeatedly due to my masturbation addiction that is driving me to do horrible things( I cannot discuss it here but I did all of that as a way to punish myself for the bastard soul I am) now I find myself actively trying to do things that will affect my health and I almost tried to hang myself because I couldn't take it anymore , I consumed 8 painkillers (4000mg) expired ones to try and fuck my health up so I can suffer and die , I honestly lost all hope and I find it difficult to live with so much guilt. Also I had a very bad argument with my girlfriend where I hurted her really badly and now I feel even worse for even being alive....what do I do now? I truly am sorry for making her feel that way. I cannot even find small amounts of happiness in my life anymore and all of this stress is getting collected in my lower back and I tend to get really bad lower back aches due to this....it just feels like everything I do is a fuck up , everything I touch tends to wither away and die . I am a really sensitive person and I just feel hurt everyday just for being alive......
If you would like to share any advice , anything would be fine....