u/Akashist1960

Thinking of joining the Mormon Church? Here are a few things you should know:

*Most affluent Mormons are really into money and "bling" and show. Big houses. Big cars. Expensive clothing. Advanced degrees. If you find yourself in an affluent Mormon ward make SURE you wear expensive clothing and have a recent expensive car, or you'll be shunned. The Middle Class Mormon wards are less high-brow and wealth/success obsessed.

*Most Mormons believe in the Prosperity Gospel: the purpose of the gospel is to make you wealthy or wealthier. That is why the Bishops are always chosen from the wealthiest men in the Ward. If you are a financial success it means God has blessed you because you are "righteous". If you are poor, you must be unrighteous, because God has not blessed you.

*Mormons gossip and gossip at LOT! Just remember that.

*Don't study Church history too deeply (called "Going down the Rabbit Hole") if you want to stay in the Church as a true believer. Few who go down the rabbit hole stay in the Church for very long. Or, if they do stay,, it is often as "Nuanced Mormons' (non-believers) or PIMOs (physically in but mentally out). If you don't want that then just let the Church spoon-feed you and don't think about it too much.

*If you're a new convert some of the Mormons who are into MLM (Multi-level-marketing or barely legal pyramid schemes) will try to get you to sign up. If you don't they'll shun you. If you do, and you can't convince 20 other people to sign up under you, then you'll lose your investment. Just say "No thanks".

*If you are fat and male, you'll be accepted as long as you have something going for you: such as expensive car and clothing, advanced degree or on your way to one. It is still possible to find a sexy Mormon woman to marry if you're an obese male as long as your RICH or they think you become rich. If you're fat but not rich or in medical or law school, don't try to date unless you want to be rejected and lied to a lot.

*If you are an overweight female, you can forget about finding a husband in the Mormon church unless you live in Bolivia or Africa. Just forget it. Some of the women will also shun you, but other "Sweet Spirit" women in the Ward and Stake will embrace you and you'll have a large female friend pool for life. They stick together. However, for the Mormon males, you won't exist.

*If you are single or Young Adult they have YA dances and SA dances. The YA dances are fun "if" you are in good shape, has a nice smile, and wear nice clothing. If you are overweight it is best you don't attend because you'll be shunned. Every ward and branch has a Young Adult Activities rep. Ask around and find out who they are. Then ask about Single activities. YA is 18 to 34, and SA is older than that. Most of the women at the SA dances and activities are obese or very old or recently divorced. The "hot" recently divorced Mormon females at the SA dances don't last long. They usually find a new man at the first SA dance they attend and its always the tall thin guy with the expensive clothing.

*Don't be deceived: there is plenty of out-of-wedlock sex among Mormons! Most of it is the oral variety. If your Mormon wife says "I'm a virgin" it can mean any of the following:

a) she has had sex before but "repented" and was told by her Bishop to tell her husband "I'm a virgin"

b) she has had plenty of oral sex but no vaginal sex (this is most common)

c) she's literally a virgin (i.e. she's a Sweet Spirit meaning she is obese)

*If you are a single young man Mormons will tell you that "Latter-day Saint women" are all pure virgins, and would rather kill themselves rather than do anything of a sexual nature with a male. They are LYING TO YOU. They say this not because it is true (it is not true) but to try to discourage you from trying to get sex from young single Mormon women.

*If you and your wife or husband join at the same time, then you may find the Mormon ward welcoming "if" you fit in. It's like high school. There are gonna be clicks. If you are both relatively attractive, drive a nice car, are materially blessed or on your way to be so, you'll be welcomed. If your clothing is poor, your car is poor, your job is not professional, no university, then most of the members will shun you but you may still find a friend of two in the ward.

*You'll find most of the Sacrament talks boring and repetitive. You'll find the Sunday School lessons, Priesthood lessons, and Relief Society lessons even more so. Most Members deal with this by thinking of other things. All talks and lessons say the same thing:

Pay your tithing

Do you ministering

Attend your meetings

Attend the Temple as often as you are able

Obey the Brethren (Church leaders)

Keep the commandments

And you'll be blessed (i.e. God will send you stuff like money, better job, protection in travel, protection from disease and accident, etc.). If you do have an accident or your business fails or you get a disease even after being a Faithful Mormon, it is just God testing you like He did Job.

*Sunday services are now only two hours. So, prepare to be bored for two whole hours. Do like the born in the Church Mormons do: let your mind wander and pay no attention to the guy behind the pulpit. Just be glad it is now just two hours of boredom rather than three like it used to be.

*Don't get excited about going to the Temple. It is a bizarre and unnerving ritual they don't prepare you for. You dress up in stupid costumes and learn secret words and handshakes that get you through a white veil. Don't try to understand it, because you won't. Don't ask questions, not even in the Temple, because nobody will be able to answer them. The "Sealing" is where you are sealed to your wife or husband for eternity. Please note that Mormon men can be sealed to as many women they marry in their mortal life, but you can only be sealed to one man. If you divorce that man the Church must "cancel" your sealing and that is extremely difficult for the woman especially if the ex-husband does not agree to it. The Endowment Ceremony used to be FAR worse than it is now. So count your blessings.

*The Church will ask for 10% of your income (and your spouse's income) for life, as well as Fast Offerings (the cost of three meals) once a month, plus you must pay for the missions of your sons (average mission cost is now $6000....no, a Church with 300 billion can't afford to pay its full-time missionaries). The Church will ask you to serve a full-time mission if single and under 40 and when you retire at least one more full-time mission as a couple. And you pay for it all.

*The Mormons will tell you that the top Church leaders are Prophets/Seers/Revelators but they don't actually prophesy/see/revelate. They will tell you they speak to Jesus face to face, but they do not but they want hou to think they do. The Mormons will tell you that the top 15 Church leaders are not paid but in fact that is not true either: they are paid quite well: 130,000 a year plus many other benefits that equal to about 300,000 dollars a year at least. The Church keeps its financial books hidden from the Members.

*In other words, prepare to be BORED, JUDGED, GOSSIPED ABOUT, REJECTED (if the Mormon deem you "not" on their professional/economic level),, LIED TO (for your own "good"), and NICKEL AND DIMED to death. But, some people love it. Others hate it. One never knows until one has lived it for a year or two at least. Good luck.

The Brethren would NEVER lie to you...

Thinking of joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?