This might get long just bc I’m drinking and overthinking rn so I apologize in advance.
I’m 25 years old and developed a beer habit at the age of 20 thanks to a family that has addictive traits and they were very loose with substance abuse. I used to be a major pothead in highschool but at least back then I had friends to be a pothead with and we would go on adventures and have fun wherever we were.
I moved in with my high school sweetheart during Covid a little less than a year after I graduated. I lived in his dad’s basement with him for about a year until I saved up some money and sold my badass mustang I had in high school to get an apartment and start a safety nest for us. He truly is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart, we have our own little paradise in this same apartment which is actually a nice duplex in reality with our baby (cat).
Even though I have a nice remote job, love my home, have a good relationship with my family, and have a loving home life I’m unhappy?? Like why?? I have 2 small reasons which are that I only have one real friend and I’ve grown literally to hate my body. I’ve grown kinda fat compared to my past self, I’ve always struggled with my weight literally my whole life thinking I was fat when I was average growing up in the early 2000s when anorexia was the beauty standard but now I’m actually FAT. Probably because I started drinking to be happy.
At the same time I can’t remember a time after I started smoking pot in 8th grade where I wasn’t chasing substances, I just got to alcohol a little later. After being hooked on pot, adderall, Xanax, acid and Molly. I just feel like I peaked in highschool and now I’m a fat ugly bitch with no friends who works from home on top of never leaving the house but that’s my comfort zone??? What’s wrong with me?? It’s like I’m always chasing the high I had in highschool where I had friends, the world was new, I was sexy, covid didn’t happen and people weren’t quite as antisocial yet. The world was just better?? I feel like that’s not true, I hope it’s not true but somewhere inside me I feel like I’ll never be that happy again. So I drink.
I should be happy. I should be grateful. I have so much more than many people. Yet I’m not and I want to drink all the time the worst part is I do this to myself. I’m the reason I’m isolated, I cut off many friends when I moved in with my partner, I let myself go, I stopped caring and let myself spiral. I’m broke from this economy and what do I do? I also give myself a gambling addiction because what else is there to do if I’m not already drinking??? I feel like I’m ruining myself in every way yet when I try to be good to myself and not drink or gamble I’m bored, I’m uncomfortable, I’m lonely. I hate myself. I wasted my potential.
Despite being hooked on substances in highschool I still managed to have fun, admire myself and get good grades. I could’ve gone to college. I could’ve been something. Instead I adjudicate health insurance claims for 8 hours at home until I clock out and drink myself to bed. I fucked my whole life up. Idk what I expect from making this post maybe I’m just losing my mind but I think about it constantly. I wish I never discovered the bliss of alcohol or any drug for that matter. I had so much potential and it’s gone and I’m dragging my partner down with me. He actually likes to drink now because of me when he never did before. What did I do?? I’m supposed to be happy.
I feel like I’m at my worst. I’ve been sick as a dog for the last few days and actually did something right for a change and only drank water and orange juice and had a small appetite. What do I do the second my fever leaves? You guessed it drink. That’s where I am now but during those few days my sober thoughts made a lot more sense. They still do and they’re echoing in my head which is why I feel I’ve hit my bottom. I’m also afraid I’ll go lower. I’ve lost so much time and money to alcohol. I realize that now but I can’t stop. What I should do is stop typing though.