Hello.
I'm 24.1 months ago I broke up in my first ever serious relationship first (I've had a 1 year and a half online relationship a few years ago). This girl has been overwhelming in my life. I met her at a party with family and friend, we started talking and she asked me to go out. And then all happened. With her I did a lot of things I never did in my life. But during time, I got somewhat addicted to her affection. We both suffered from depression and we both were starting to feel good again when we met. But maybe I ignored something and I started feeling bad again. We broke up because I made a mistake. I felt ignored by her, she didn't want physical touch or affection. I spoke to her about how I felt, but the situation didn't improve. I knew why she was feeling like this (stress, school, work...), but I faked a random girl calling me (with a bot for fake calls) because I wanted to see if she still had passion. I did a childish, stupid bad thing I know. I didn't know how to speak about her, but mostly I didn't know how to say "I dont like this." With her I always been compliant, because I feared to lose her. And I still lost her cause of this fear.
She broke up telling me she can't trust me if I didn't manage to be honest with her about my feelings.
1 week later I sent them an audio saying how I have been stupid, that I hope she will find happiness and that I'm also angry because I thought I deserved a chance since I swallowed up many things in the past. She said she was happy I opened myself and chose myself.
But I miss her. This month I didn't cry in my room. Yeah, the first week I cried like never in my life, and sometimes I still do, but I also met new people, started a piano course, went out a lot w my friends... and I sometimes stalkered her stories or retweets.
I want to take some time for myself and mute her account so I can't see anything.
But after this time I also want to reach her out again.
I want to call her, or dedicate her a song by piano (we both are romantic, we used to write letters for eachother while together). I dont know. But maybe it is not respectful to dont let her go, I dont know... what if she finds someone else? I always searched for the perfect time of doing things and I know it's wrong. I need to call her now or wait? It's so hard.
I dont even know why Im posting this here, maybe I hope to find an answer from the universe, maybe I just wanted to share my thoughts.