1 (33F) started dating someone (mid-30s M) for a few months and there’s a lot I genuinely like about him. He’s kind, consistent, affectionate, want the same future, easy to talk for hour’s and we have a real connection. It’s not casual, and I can see the potential.
But I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and I’m not sure if this is something workable or a sign of a bigger mismatch.
He has pretty intense anxiety, apparently a diasnosed panic disorder including fear of flying/ferries, and has been doing exposure therapy for it. The issue is he wants me to be part of that (like going with him on things), but there’s also a high chance he’ll bail last minute when the anxiety hits. He done this with me a few times and I’ve seen him cancel plans before they even happen. That part already feels like a lot to take on. And it’s disappointing.
The bigger issue is nighttime panic.
He’s been having what seem like nocturnal panic attacks and will text me in the middle of the night needing reassurance. If we’re together, he’ll wake up and wake me up too. I have insomnia and I’m really protective of my sleep, so getting woken up is a big deal for me. It’s starting to feel like I’m “on call” for his anxiety at night.
I also have anxiety, but I manage it on my own and don’t rely on a partner to regulate me. I think that’s part of why this is hitting me so hard. I’m used to handling my own emotions, and now I feel like I’m responsible for someone else’s too.
I’ve tried to be supportive, but I’m starting to feel drained and honestly a bit resentful. It’s also affecting my attraction, which I don’t want because there’s a lot I do like about him.
I don’t want to be cold or unsupportive, but I also don’t want to become someone’s coping mechanism.
Is this something that can be balanced with better boundaries, or is this just a fundamental mismatch? Has anyone been in something like this and had it work without feeling like you’re constantly taking care of the other person?
TL;DR:
I really like a guy I’m dating, but his anxiety is starting to feel like my responsibility — especially with nightly panic texts waking me up (I have insomnia). I’m feeling drained and wondering if this is fixable with boundaries or just a mismatch.