I have been wearing it for four years, and recently the very person that inspired me to wear it took it off, making me rethink everything.
Wearing the hijab in a place which is predominantly white, non-Muslim means I’ve been the outlier everywhere I go, and whilst it’s been a privilege to represent Islam and be seen for my values and morals, it sometimes feels like I’m immediately met with presumptions on my personality and who I am. I’m no longer seen for ME but the ”submissive, pious hijabi girl”- when that’s not who I am at all and I don’t want to be placed on a pedestal. I’m bold, I laugh loudly and I have a huge personality, but now I’m having to ”prove” that I’m fun because I have a huge label on my head that suggests otherwise.
Aside from social issues, it feels like I’m never doing enough. Social media and toxic men online have made me hate the hijab even more, and it seems to me that there’s no point of me wearing because I’m getting sins for “not wearing it properly anyways”. I play sports- there are scenarios in which I can’t walk around in a skirt and khimar. It also makes me wonder why these double standards exist. I hate how they’ll never have to experience how hard it is to wear a hijab in a society built in every way against it, and yet they still feel the need to comment on it.
I also just hate what it feels like on my head. It’s so so overestimating and suffocating. I’ve lost so much hair, developed alopecia, and looking back at my pictures before the hijab makes me immeasurably upset because of all that I’ve had to sacrifice. I switch up my partings, wear a satin under-cap, tie my hair loosely, but nothing can restore the irreparable damage this fabric has done to me.
The hijab has become my identity and I love being noticed as a Muslim, however, sometimes I don’t want to stand out. I’ve never been forced to wear the hijab and no one in my immediate family wears it either. Pray for me.