CW: discussion of sex and sexual assault
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Throughout the years, my experience of sexuality has been all over the place. Until I was about 20, I was completely sex repulsed/phobic, had no desire to partake, 0 sexual attraction to anyone. I was also running on an estrogen dominant system (afab) and I can still acknowledge this isn't normal for a typical woman to be sex repulsed during puberty. My first sexual experience was being raped at 18 and that messed me up mentally.
Relationships sounded exhausting because sex was always a need for them and it felt like no matter how much I did it they would never be "satisfied", they would always want more.
Over the years, I came out as trans, started testosterone and got a super high libido. I worked through my traumas to the point where sexual things no longer send me into a panic attack. I still don't really feel sexual attraction.
My last relationship was with someone who identified as asexual and told me sexual things were off the table, period. I was fine with that and it lasted three years until he left me for the partner he was actually sleeping with, which was frustrating.
I recently started a new relationship with an allosexual, I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up with him but I've been pleasantly surprised. We actually had sex three times in one day and it was very pleasant. I've thought about it and I don't feel sexual attraction to his body or looks like an allosexual but I'm attracted to his energy. I think that's a particular nuance he doesn't really need to know. He knows I'm ace but doesn't come at me with preconceived notions. I'm definitely sex favorable, I told him he was lucky he didn't meet me 10 years ago because we wouldn't have been compatible. 😅
I dont know if being turned on by sexual energy is a form of sexual attraction, probably? But it still presents kinda differently than how an allosexual would experience sexuality. Am I okay to still call myself ace? Grey-ace? Demisexual?