My boyfriend didn’t want me around for Easter when he knows I would be alone as a result. Are we over?
I’m new to posting updates so I hope I’m doing this right… I’ve copied pasted my post below.
Initial post:
Hey - this is the first time I’ve ever posted on Reddit so please be kind, but I don’t know who else to talk to. Also, I’m sorry for such a long post, I just need to get everything out there. So, I (21 non binary) and Theo (22M (fake name)) have been dating for 3.5 years. This is the first relationship either of us have been in and every first you can have in a relationship we have shared together. We are each other’s first kiss, first love and have shared every part of ourselves together for years (including…physical stuff).
So some background: I’m originally from a small town in BC, Canada and Theo is from a small town in PEI, Canada. For those of you who don’t know, these are on opposite sides of the country. We both moved to NB, Canada for university (a Maritime province in the east) and met when living in the same university residence. I moved across the country to get away from my toxic family situation and only semi knew the few distant relatives that live here (only at family reunions, etc.). He is very close with his family and they have a great family dynamic.
For context: ever since we started dating, we have visited his family together for reading weeks, Thanksgiving, Easter, and he even flew across the country with me this year to meet my family for Christmas. I also lived with his family for 4 months one summer to spend time with him before I moved to Japan for 5 months. He’s asked for some alone time before to play video games or to spend 1 on 1 time with a family member before, and I’ve been ok with that, but this is the first time he told me I wasn’t welcome. He also didn’t tell me that I wasn’t going until about week before, while my mother(52F) was visiting, who heard some of our conversations through our thin walls and has since reported back to my dad (52M) and my sister (18F). He let me talk about Easter for almost a month before it was made clear to me that I wouldn’t be coming. He also doesn’t understand why this bothers me so so much, which makes everything harder.
When I was 7, I made a list of qualities I wanted in a partner (I’m bi), and he checked every single box. We have had healthy communication and he has helped me heal from past family traumas. He always tells me he’s proud of me and that he loves me no matter what, even when I don’t think my accomplishments are important or I think I’m unworthy. This is the first major major thing has come up that has me questioning everything.
So, here it is. Our relationship has seemingly been turned around and now I’m questioning if we have any kind of future together. We’ve talked for years about our future wedding, where we want to go on our honeymoon, what kind of house we should get, what we should name our kids, etc. Now, I can just feel it all fading away and it hurts my soul. I love this man so much and wanted to spend my life with him but everything seems to be falling apart right now. We can’t even have a productive conversation about why this bothers me so much because he just says he doesn’t get why telling me to stay behind hurt so bad. I have spent the whole long weekend alone, feeling numb and not being able to go do anything besides church outside of the house because everything is closed in this Christian town and I’m broke as frick because I’m a university student.
We’ve already been trying to figure out how we’re going to work in the future because we are going to be doing very different things for the next few years. I’m staying in NB for another year to get another degree and Theo’s moving back to PEI (in his parent’s house) to get a certificate and start working as an engineer. After my next degree, I might be moving back to BC to pay off my student loans and be closer to family in case I need any help, but I’m also planning on moving back to Japan as soon as I can. Theo and I talked about where we wanted to travel to and live before we got together and Japan was at the top of both of our lists. Now, he doesn’t know if he even wants to leave the maritimes, let alone the country. I don’t want to be trapped in a small town in Canada, unable to live my own life when we’re so close to his family, and I have so many other places I want to visit and live in, some that Theo doesn’t even want to visit for vacation. I know that our relationship has essentially been destined to fail since the beginning, but it all feels so much more real now that we’re going to be finishing school and no longer living together. Plus, with me not being allowed around for Easter, it feels like he walked out on any kid of future for us when he left town for Easter.
Am I over reacting? Are we over? Is there any chance of us working out and sharing our lives together?
TL/DR:
My boyfriend left me alone for Easter without giving me much of a heads up and doesn’t understand why this makes me upset. Is this a dealbreaker?
**UPDATE:**
He has comeback from his trip and we’ve talked. Essentially, we’ve agreed that we will break up after graduation in May so we both have time to heal before the next school year starts. Through a lot of tears and talking, we’ve agreed on the fact that, although we still love each other, we will need to go our separate ways soon. I don’t know what will happen until our end date (currently mid-July) but we’ve basically decided that we’re still going to be a couple and do couple things until then, before cutting off any coupleness and growing apart. As I’ve said in countless comments, I love him and want to enjoy spending time with him for a bit longer. This plan means I don’t have to worry about our future because we both know there isn’t one. As weird as I’m sure a lot of people will find this, this is the path we have agreed on and what we both want, as we still love each other. I know that my post was originally about Easter but today, reading through and responding to so many comments, gave me the courage to finally have the hard talk I’ve been putting off. Thank you for everyone’s advice - it has helped me harden my resolve in what I needed to do. Things are still going to be challenging, but I am glad there is at least some kind of plan in place now. I might update again closer to our end date, depending on if people want to find out what happened or if I remember.
TL/DR:
My boyfriend and I have decided to break up in July so we can move on and follow our separate dreams.
**UPDATE 2:**
I’m sure any of you who responded to my initial post won’t be surprised but we broke up. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks after the break up - it’s been rough. As much as I was trying to prepare for the pain and reality of us ending over the summer, I was not ready for the pain that came with being dumped.
So here’s the timeline:
Tuesday = his birthday dinner. Basically we would pay for the other’s meal at this local ramen place we went to for our first date, but we also went with his friends. We went home with the friends and had cake (which he left in our fridge by the way) and talked for a few hours.
Thursday = his final exam. He was psyched to be done his degree and initially wanted to move out the next day, but I had asked him to stay until I was done with my own exams the next day.
Friday = my final exam. We were able to have a good evening together where neither of us were panicking and guilty about not studying (I mean I still had a paper due but I had a few days). It was a relatively chill evening with him watching hockey and me playing Minecraft. We also had **special time** which was nice because we basically only did that once or twice a month.
Saturday = he moved out. A friend of his came over and helped him pack, I was with them, we all talked for a bit before his friend left for Theo to head out after spending some more time with me. I had asked if he was going to at least try to visit me while we were still together before grad and he took me upstairs to his room where he sat me down and said we were done. He claims to have decided to end things when he woke up that morning but honestly looking back I really don’t think that’s true. He left after giving me a hug, we both said “I love you” and we had one last kiss. Then, as soon as he was out of the driveway, I collapsed.
Sunday = Theo’s birthday. I sent him a quick text and asked him if we could talk soon (dumb of me, I know).
Monday = my last paper was due. This was huge - the last thing I needed to do to finish my degree. He knew this was important and still needing to be done when he dumped me, with me even asking when he was doing it why he wouldn’t wait a few more days (he said he would rather dump me in person but I think he just wanted a cleaner break). This was the hardest assignment I have ever written, with my brain a complete depressed mess, exhausted from crying for days, having relapsed into self harming after being 3 years clean, and having to take multiple breaks for panic attacks and complete breakdowns.
I spent the better part of a week in a depressed comatose state. I was killing myself thinking we needed to fix things and desperately wanting to get him back. I wrote a letter to him on his birthday, hoping to read it to him when we finally called, where I essentially said I overreacted and wanted him more than being alone and travelling (also dumb, I know). I DID NOT EVER READ THIS TO HIM AND KNOW IT WOULD HAVE SACRIFICED MY DREAMS so please no hate about this.
When I did cave and message him on Monday, it was because I couldn’t concentrate on my paper anymore. I tried to put it all aside and focus on my paper but I ended up just spiraling and (being dumb) I messaged him. Basically I said I needed closure and had questions about the break up that only he could answer, as well as APOLOGIZING (which makes me really mad now) and saying we should try to fix things. He responded saying he didn’t want to talk to me and “wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say”. As if he hadn’t lost the right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do when he left me. This sent me into a quick spiral and I called my mum (who lives across the country from me and a 4 hour time difference) who called a relative who lives in my town to come give me a hug. We got ice cream and talked before I went home, showered and got back to writing my paper.
I felt so broken because I had thought for days that the only reason this happened and he hadn’t wanted to talk to me was because I hadn’t explicitly said I would be willing to work through anything with him. I thought he hadn’t reached out because he thought that I didn’t want him to, and thought it was my responsibility to make it clear to him that I was still willing to fight and compromise. So, like a fool, I texted him. It was then that the whole thing switched from feeling like a misunderstanding to a final situation.
So, almost two weeks out, and here we are. I’m still sleeping in our bed and he left all his furniture in our room. He also left literal garbage all over the room and gross sticky bottles on the window sills for me to clean up for him, and a bunch of groceries that have gone bad. I’ve realized how little he helped around the house and how disrespectful he was to me to leave trash all over the room and overfilling both of my trash cans without emptying them before leaving. I’ve also realized I have a good support system that doesn’t include him, with my friends I made while living in Japan in particular being absolutely amazing and talking with me every day since. I’ve realized that he had probably made up his mind long before he broke up with me and have started to believe he was waiting it out until he moved, had a nice dinner paid for and got his birthday present. Lastly, I’ve realized I have an incredibly petty bone (honestly probably more than one) in my body: he left a bunch of stuff here and I’ve started to think I should just donate it. My friends have suggested filming me burning it so I can send him evidence if he ever asks about things but I think that’s crazy and other people could get some use out of his stuff rather than me destroying it. Whatever. I’ve also started deleting conversations and unfollowing him on some platforms which is progress!
So now my future is back to looking incredibly open and I can think more seriously about solo travelling and moving abroad. It means I can focus on myself and I’ve already gone for adventures around town and gotten more active. I refuse to let him destroy me or to control my life anymore.
TLDR:
He dumped me, I was extremely depressed, went partially insane, found out I have a good support system, and have crossed into the rage state of grief (and pettiness). Now, my future is more open and I’m not even close to being as sad as I was 2 weeks ago.