I (27F) recently ended an 8-year friendship with my old college roommate (also 27F). I’ll call her Jane.
I met Jane through a Facebook group when I was looking for a roommate in college. We hit it off initially and decided to live together. But once we actually lived together, things were really difficult. She had just gone through a bad breakup and was very emotionally unstable—she even threatened to harm herself at one point. She would bring guys into our shared space without asking, which made me uncomfortable.
We ended up having to speak with a counselor through our RA. At the time, I tried to give her grace because I knew she was going through a lot—her breakup, family changes, figuring out her identity, and being away from home. I told myself I might be judging her too harshly.
Around that time, I had just started seeing a guy. I told Jane I didn’t want her asking for his number since things were new and uncertain. She said she understood. But one night while we were all hanging out, I left briefly to grab pizza, and later the guy told me she kept asking for his number and ended up texting him—supposedly about me, like what flowers I liked. At the time, I was young and convinced myself it was sweet.
Later that night, when we were drinking, she suggested we have a threesome. That crossed a line for me. The guy and I stopped seeing each other shortly after (we weren’t compatible long-term anyway).
The next year, we didn’t live together. I decided to stay more casual with dating, while she got into a relationship. I was genuinely happy for her. But she and her boyfriend would frequently ask to use my apartment for the weekend, suggesting I stay in her dorm so they could have privacy. I said no—it was my space, and I was paying for it.
One weekend when her boyfriend was visiting, they got a hotel instead. She invited me out, which was unusual. At one point, she tried to get me to hang out with them back at the hotel, but I was uncomfortable and wanted to stay out with friends. They both got upset with me and left early.
Later, a mutual friend told me that Jane had been trying to orchestrate a threesome between me and her boyfriend that weekend. I asked for proof, but there wasn’t any, so I brushed it off as possible drama between them.
Then COVID hit, and we drifted apart again. I actually preferred her as a long-distance friend. But over time, I noticed she would mostly reach out when she wanted to stay with me while attending concerts nearby. It started to feel like she was using me.
I kept my distance.
Eventually, I got into a serious relationship that lasted three years. When that ended, I was devastated. Jane checked in on me, and I appreciated it. Since I had isolated myself during that relationship, I felt like I had been a bad friend, so I tried to reconnect with her.
Not long after, Jane got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was surprised but honored. She talked about valuing our friendship, and it felt nice to reconnect with female friendships again.
But the bachelorette party was a nightmare.
She constantly asked me to change outfits because they didn’t fit her “theme” or said I was drawing the wrong kind of attention. She controlled everything and watched us closely the entire time.
At one point, I had previously been gluten-free but had stopped that diet. Despite me telling her multiple times, she kept telling servers not to serve me gluten, so I kept getting restricted menus.
At bars, if I declined drinks from men, she would get visibly annoyed, then approach me and say things like, “you’re so hot—do you want a drink?” It made me really uncomfortable, especially since I was in a committed relationship and had already told her I disliked that kind of attention even as a joke.
She also snapped at another bridesmaid who said she was happy to be bonding with everyone, yelling, “You need to leave my friends alone.” It shocked all of us, and then she tried to backtrack.
One night, we were trying to clean up the house before checkout while watching a movie, and she suddenly started crying, saying her whole weekend was ruined because she “just wanted to watch movies.” Meanwhile, we had spent the entire day following her around taking pictures instead of actually enjoying the beach.
She was mean, controlling, and exhausting the entire trip.
At the wedding, she expected us bridesmaids to decorate because the planner wasn’t doing it. When we hesitated, she said, “You signed up to be a bridesmaid.” She even said this when some girls didn’t want to have professional hair and make up. She said we had to and we had to pay it ourselves.
Several of the bridesmaids seemed uncomfortable. One even pulled me aside and broke down, saying she felt Jane had treated everyone unfairly—not just during the bachelorette but in general. I told her we’d talk after the wedding and to just get through the day.
After the wedding, everything came out.
Jane had invited nearly every ex she’d ever had to the wedding. One of the groom’s groomsmen had previously been involved with her, and it turned out she had lied to her now-husband about how serious that fling had been. (The groom still doesn’t know)
Her own mother left after the wedding and stopped speaking to her, writing her a letter expressing disappointment in how she acted.
We also found out she had essentially ranked her friends, possibly based on appearance, what she can get out of them, who she is obsessed with, etc. which explained why she kept people from getting too close to each other.
I walked away from the experience feeling deeply disappointed.
After reflecting for months (and talking through it in therapy), I decided to end the friendship. Now she’s asking to talk, and I don’t want to.
Part of me feels guilty because we were friends for so long, and she was a good friend at times. But overall, I don’t think I can continue the relationship.
AITAH for not giving her an opportunity to speak?