Im a 20 year old girl, I’m a student and I’ve never ever had a relationship or even held hands with a man. Basically did absolutely nothing romantic or sexual before with anyone.It’s a personal choice because I get hit on a lot but never ever see my type in real life, plus I’m very busy with law school so I see it as a distraction. I don’t despise men I’m just not attracted to most men I see everyday. The few men I find attractive are mostly older men 35-50 but I never tried anything with them because theyre just too old and I kinda find it weird. Just thinking about dating someone a year younger than me repulses me so I don’t know how older men date younger women confidently.
Anyways, 3 weeks ago on my way to uni a 40+ yo good looking man approached me and asked me for my number, said I was extremely pretty and was very honest from the start : said that he wanted nothing serious. (By the way he’s a widower , lost his wife a year ago and has 3 children under 13). I was not phased by this because I’m not looking for a relationship either . I told him I was 20, he said he didn’t mind. I gave him my number and we went on a date later that day at a cafe. It went alright, I’m not very chatty when I first meet someone though. He very explicitly told me what he wanted to do with me so I warned him that I was a virgin. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted to lose my virginity to him, if I didn’t prefer doing it with someone I loved. I said no because I really don’t care and don’t see sex as something sacred. Not gonna lie I’ve wanted to lose it for a hot minute but I wasn’t interest in anyone to genuinely do it.
After the date he wanted me to go to his apartment and I said no, that I didn’t want to do it on the first date. He didn’t take it personally and we ended up going on a little walk around the streets , near my college campus. He kept leading us to deserted little alleys to kiss me and touch me. To be honest I enjoyed it but it felt fucking wrong. The worst is when we encountered people and he let go of my hand as if he knew people would judge him for walking hands in hands with a young woman.
Anyways, later that night he texted me a lot of sensual things and I accepted to see him the day after at his apartment.(i was horny as hell sorry) I only told my sister about him and I didn’t reveal his age but informed her that he was too old for me (she gave me a lecture , I don’t blame her) I showed her his Facebook page, shared his name and shared my location with her the day after because I was supposed to see him again.
He picked me up from uni and we went to his place. At first he wanted me to go in first, so he would join me minutes later. I told him there was no need to do that , his neighbours didn’t know me we didn’t need to hide. (I figured he didn’t want anyone seeing a 20 year old with him). Anyways, we ended up going in together. We mostly did foreplay because he couldn’t get hard because of the condom. He didn’t force me to do anything, made sure that I consented to everything he did to me and that I was comfortable. I really emphasise on that. He didn’t harass me or anything.
After that, we kept texting sensual things and sharing songs that we like. He wanted to see me again but I needed to take a week break to study because my finals are coming soon and everything we did really threw me off. (Because for reminder I was a virgin who never did anything with a guy and within 2 days I had my first kiss and gave/received oral sex with a guy 23 years old older than me. It’s A LOT for me and everything happened so fucking fast)
He didn’t get angry or anything but he started texting me a bit less to give me space i assume. A week later i texted him again . We ended up seeing each other again and that time we really did the devils tango. We talked at lot more on the pillow about life and stuff. I asked about his wife, where he traveled and so on. We really are in different places in life , but we get along. I think we get along because we don’t discuss a lot and I definitely feel that he tries to relate to some of the things I say but he doesn’t really understand them because we’re not from the same generation. I don’t actually care that we’re not that compatible because once again I’m not looking for husband material.
But this situation is completely startling me and I’m very disoriented. Everything happened so , too, quickly.
I have to mention some other things that threw me off . He sometimes has some Freudian slips. He once said “I’m excited to re-watch you” and corrected himself and said “see you again”. I’m absolutely frightened by the idea that he might record us when we do it. If he does I’ll report him without batting an eye I really don’t give a fuck. He also started talking to me about some threesomes and anal and I said uhhhhhhhhh sir,maybe not now????
Once again he’s not forcing me to do anything he’s really testing the waters. And weirdly even though it’s all just sexual I don’t feel taken advantage of, or used, because I’m here for sex too and we’ve been pretty clear about that since the beginning. He’s probably taking advantage of this situation to explore his fantasies but I don’t really care because I am too.
I’m definitely getting attached to him because he’s really sweet .However Im not attached romantically because there’s something in me that stops me from falling for him. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in love, maybe because it’s way too soon or maybe because HES 43 . I don’t know.I’m just extremely confused.
What do you guys think ?