Husband (30M) is a glass-half-empty type of person. He tends to focus on the negatives in life instead of appreciating the positives. I (32F) don’t think he was always this way. I seem to remember him being a much happier/positive person when we were dating and in the early stages of our marriage (married 5 years now).
Now, he’s quick to criticize and complain. It’s like he doesn’t truly appreciate the good in his life. I think he resents the fact that I earn more money than him. I don’t really care about money. It’s a tool/resource. We need it to survive, but it doesn’t bother me that he makes less. It bothers him, though. If I get a promotion or a raise at work, his response is “must be nice.” He’s a hard worker. I know his job puts a lot of stress on him and I believe he deserves more pay than what he’s getting. He’s not a manager, but if he takes a day off, nothing gets done. He’s been looking for other work, but of course, the job market is crappy right now.
When it comes to our marriage, communication is very difficult. He is quick to stonewall, get defensive, and deflect. If there’s an issue, I try to address it reasonably and with mildness. I try to use “When you do/say this, I feel this” statements. He rarely offers compliments or sincere commendation. He views every conversation as a lecture instead of an opportunity for us to communicate and work together. A lot of the time, he just says what he thinks I want to hear so that we can move on. He rarely ever apologizes without prompting. Because of this, we never make any real progress or change and the cycle continues. I can’t tell you the number of times we have had the same discussion over the years. Change is promised but never consistent. As a result, we’re back at square one.
He can be very impatient and short-tempered with our two-year-old. I think the toddler stage is very difficult for him. It’s difficult for me to, but I try to be patient and empathetic towards our daughter because I know that there’s only so much she can understand at this age. She’s very sweet and behaves as any normal toddler does: when she doesn’t get her way, she gets upset. She wants to be held a lot. Holding her comforts her and helps her to regulate her emotions. She wants to be held even when she has been disciplined. I’m happy to hold her. My husband thinks this is a problem. I didn’t study childhood development, but I read and research a lot and I try to help him understand why she may behave in certain ways (tantrums, sleep regressions, separation anxiety, etc.). He oversimplifies it and just says she’s spoiled and that she’s “bad” (she’s not).
She never seeks him out for help or comfort because he has not made himself emotionally available for that. So naturally, she always wants me. I love my daughter, but it can be very exhausting. Sometimes I feel like a single parent. He shows up when it’s time to discipline, but when it’s time to teach, play, comfort, feed, or put her down for bed, he can’t be bothered.
Our physical intimacy has suffered as a result. He thinks of sex as a reward/punishment system. He thinks I’m intentionally withholding it just to punish him because he may have said or done something that I didn’t like. It’s just hard to desire someone who makes me feel unloved, unappreciated, and taken for granted. Especially when I’ve been feeling this way for years. When I try to explain this to him, he doesn’t get it. It’s like he doesn’t understand how his negative behavior towards me (and our daughter) can create emotional distance. He just doesn’t cultivate a positive, emotionally safe environment.
Honestly, I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I work two jobs. I manage all of the bills (we split the bills, but I keep track of everything to ensure they’re paid on time). I take care of the home. I do all of the grocery shopping. I’m the primary caregiver for our daughter.
I want to satisfy him and make him happy. I love my family and I’m happy to give my all to make sure they are happy and cared for. I don’t want to divorce and break up my family. I do love my husband very much and I don’t like giving up. I still hold out hope that things can get better if we both try, but I’m getting burnt out.
TL;DR - My husband (30M) has become increasingly negative, critical, and difficult to communicate with over the course of our 5-year marriage. He seems resentful that I (32F) earn more, shuts down or gets defensive during conversations, and rarely follows through on promised changes.
He’s also impatient and emotionally unavailable with our 2-year-old, leaving me to handle most of the parenting, household responsibilities, and mental load. I’m exhausted and starting to feel like a single parent. Our emotional disconnect has affected our intimacy, and he doesn’t seem to understand how his behavior contributes to that.
I love him and don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I’m burnt out and don’t see real, lasting improvement despite repeated conversations. How do I break this cycle and get through to him in a way that leads to actual change? At what point do I accept that things may not improve?