Falling in love with my masseuse/friend
Im 28 Australia. I met this Brazilian guy for regular massage. So basically he’s my masseuse. He’s service includes oral to him but no kissing and penetration. I saw him many more times in a span of 4 months and we grew close together but nothing beyond friends however at this time, I already fallen in-love with him although in the back of my mind I know we couldn’t be more than that. Spending a weekend with him reinforces more my feelings with him. We had many deep conversations in personal life and I asked him if we will ever become more intimate with each other, he’s response was he needed to have that mutual connection and attractiveness in order to do that, he reassured me that it is him that is not attracted to me and nothing to do with how I look etc.
The next session we had together was with another guy since I haven’t had any experience with 2 masseuse, although this other guy is keen to receive oral but no kissing, he is straight and my masseuse finds him attractive. The session was cut short since the straight masseuse had emergency and had to leave.
At this time, it was only us both so we decided to get another guy from grindr. My masseuse has been speaking to another guy in grindr and he is very attracted to him and so I decided to just watch them together. I have asked him beforehand if he’s gonna kiss him and his response was “ I might just at first”. He had previously told me that he doesn’t like kissing specially if there is no connection with someone and he just met this guy on grindr. I was ok with it at first but when they started kissing intimately, I felt really jealous. I felt hurt and a little betrayed. They kiss more and more and as I am watching them, I was making a grunting sound like clearing my throat just to signal him that I wasn’t ok but they still continued and I felt more hurt when he started to be the one initiating the intimate kissing.
After their hook up and the guy left. I was really quiet and started packing my bag because of how painful I was feeling. I felt rejected, not attractive and ugly. I wanted to feel what the other guy on grindr felt with him.
As I was leaving, he asked me if I was ok and I didn’t respond and I went out of the building. He texted me and said to me that “it was what you wanted so I did” which I was before but seeing them, I felt huge jealousy.
I texted him back my concerns and telling him I wanted that intimacy he showed the guy with me and I asked him if we will ever gonna be on that point in the future that he will see me attractive and kiss me intimately.
His response was “do you want me to fuck you? I might but I cant kiss you”.
I do want that but I want intimacy/ kissing with him. I just felt betrayed that he passionately kissed the guy from grindr and will never do that to me.
Please Advice