I 20F) am on the autism spectrum and because of this my parents are not very accepting of me. They also resent me because I was sexually abused by my younger brother (18M) and they blame me for trying to ruin his life by reporting him. So I stayed silent. I struggle with mental health and often try to talk to them (not about mental health, but about anything) and they will say they're too tired, busy, etc to talk to me. They're very financially generous but they tell me to not take it personally they just don't have time for me.
I have a best friend and a sister but recently I have been ditched by a lot of friends at (some were cliquey and one was just not a good person) and I've found I'm a lot more lonely than I thought.
I have another best friend of 5 years and I'll try to rant to her about silly bullshit in the school newspaper (because she also works for the school newspaper) but she will say she doesn't have time to hear about those things/ too busy. I try to respect her in that but I wish she asked more about how I was.
She told me it's not her job to cater to me and she's too busy, she has her own life. She was also upset that I contacted her while drunk which is valid because she hates when I do that and I violated a boundary. I would not have done that if I wasn't drunk. She says she'll forgive me as we've been friends for years but she just needs time. I understand what I did was wrong. I fear I've neglected her as well, but most of the time when I message she's too busy anyway. For years I've had the habit of not telling her serious things in my life, she didn’t even know I'd been sexually abused for years until a year after it was over. Because she would tell me she's too busy to hear about my life and I need to respect it. But I will be there for her when big things happen in her life.
I understand my mental health can be a lot and that's why I'm getting help. I have friends who assure me I'm never a burden but I still feel like one .
I wish I was a better friend to her. I know if I was mentally better I would be more considerate and feel awful about it. I do therapy, I'm going on mood stabilizers, it's just sucky when I'm alone so much. I have amazing people but they are so busy. There are busy people who do make effort which is great. But most people don't want to. Some don't even want to make new friends. I ask about them and their interests and not talk too much about myself or vent too much. It's just hard to make new friends when lots around me aren't interested. Everyone is so busy. I respect it, because I am also busy. I also know my autism and bluntness isn't doing me favors.
I am so grateful to the people who have sticker around and cared for me. I don't want to rely on people like this anymore but I'm so lonely. I'm just trying to fill in the void by my parents.