I have borderline personality disorder. I tend to struggle with regulating my emotions and close relationships, getting triggered if I don’t get attention from someone I have deemed my “favorite person”. It’s hell to live with but I really do try.
I started dating a guy I casually hooked up with last year. We met at a swingers club and had a great time. We lost contact but when I saw him again, I remembered the fun we had and asked if he wanted to meet up. We did and it was fun. He lives out of town and comes here for work. We started getting close, he’s a really sweet guy and I was beginning to have feelings for him. I could tell he was too but one night after amazing fun, we laid in bed watching tv. It felt too close, like a normal relationship. I got triggered by this and hurriedly left telling him it’s not him I just needed to go. I sat in the lobby and cried, hoping he’d text to comfort me or ask to come back. He didn’t. I text him apologizing, he responded that it was ok but didn’t know what to say.
We talked a bit after and saw each other again, like normal, but he gave me space. I told him I missed him and wanted to see him. He said he missed me too but what happens after? Will I still be insecure or have another episode. Finally, I told him about my diagnosis. He said he needed to think on it. That’s not what I wanted to hear, but I understood. For a few days I moped around, waiting to hear from him. I noticed him on social media flirting with a woman and it made me feel worse.
After seeing that, I began spiraling. Thinking if he didn’t want me but was openly showing interest in her, I should just back off. I text him that I didn’t think it would work and he replied that hurts but he understood. A few days later, I randomly text asking if we could hook up before a major surgery since I wouldn’t get none for a while. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea, he enjoyed spending time with me but it kinda hurt for me to want him for that. I felt bad then remembered we MET AT A CLUB! I didn’t say that, but definitely thought it.
Later I saw him again flirting with the same woman online. He never text me after my surgery so I got pissed and blocked his number and profile. It’s been a month. I want to reach out but I’m afraid he’s moved on or won’t want to hear from me.
Am I crazy to think he’d want to talk to me? I mean, he literally had no way to get ahold of me unless he came to my work but he’s not that kinda guy.