This is going to be a long one. But I have been struggling with my in-laws (and somewhat my husband) postpartum.
For context, they have always been good to me, and are very nice people. Me and his mom get along well but we have different personalities so we don’t really connect on a deep level. They live about an hour and a half ish away from us and my parents live 10 minutes away. My baby is 4 months.
This all started the day before I gave birth. MIL showed up because they were in the area but did not inform us she was sick. She came in wearing a mask and didn’t get close to me but I felt like it was very careless and disrespectful. My husband told her it was wrong and she apologized.
I got pretty bad PAA. I jumped into therapy for it and expressed it to my husband frequently, especially regarding visits with his family. They would come into our tiny house at the time and squeeze into the living room and play hot potato with her and take a million photos of her (none with me to this day 😆)
I had set some of boundaries with my husband like they come in smaller groups, only stay for an hour or two, etc. and I expressed that I mostly feel anxiety around his family and not mine because I feel the expectation is to hand my baby off as soon as they walk in the door and that makes my postpartum protective instincts go insane. He agreed to them but then continued to push them in small ways like adding an extra person or stuff like that last minute. I’ve brought up that it was really awful he kept doing that and now he says he feels timid about even asking for visits with his family (which was never my intention).
We ended up moving, my anxiety got better, and she got older, she is now 4 months, so they all came over for a visit at our new house. She ended up falling asleep the minute they walked in the door and only takes contact naps on me so she napped on me for 2 hours. I felt bad but she had not slept well at all that morning so I didn’t have a choice. I immediately went downstairs and before even saying hi to me his mother starts putting her hands above her hand and violently pointing to her mom (husband’s grandma) for me to hand her off. This sent me into a crazy anxious state and I just ignored it and sat on the couch feeling very very uncomfortable. I let husband’s grandma hold him at one point but she had baby standing up and bouncing on her while she is 87 years old. I took her back but then a bit later my husband’s mom came and grabbed her, just to hand her to husband’s grandma. Everyone could tell I was feeling uncomfortable and left shortly after. His mom was clearly upset with me because she hugged my husband goodbye and walked out without saying anything to me.
This lead to a huge huge fight with my husband that night. He doesn’t understand why I don’t feel the same way with my family as I do his. But with my family they live 10 minutes away so we see them all the time and they don’t demand to hold her, take a million pics of her, and spend the entire visit solely focused on her instead of just hanging out. He shared that they were upset because they drove out there not to see us but only to see the baby and were upset they all didn’t get to hold her.
I told my husband he had to say something to his mom. He clearly didn’t want to and even asked me to do it instead but I said no, it was his family and he needed to deal with it. He ended up calling her a few days later and telling her she couldn’t do the things she did (pointing for me to hand baby off without acknowledging me and not saying bye) but made it clear he was uncomfortable doing it.
I moved on and have tried my hardest to get over my anxiety and make an effort with them for my husband’s sake. We ended up doing the hour and a half drive to the middle of nowhere this past weekend. I spent so much time preparing and packing everything up and thinking thru the logistics about the car ride lining up with naps and being home for bedtime, rules while we’re there around the dogs, etc…. I put my anxiety aside and eagerly handed off the baby to everyone (his parents, sisters, sisters boyfriend, grandma, and aunt all shoved into a small living room), let them take their pics, let his mom do a photoshoot with blankets that were gifted by her friends, and let his mom continue to take the baby from me and hand it off to elderly grandma. The grandma walked around with the baby, held her in terrible positions, and frankly almost dropped her at one point. We were gone all day, we left at 8am and returned home at 5:30pm. My husband did say thank you but I felt like he didn’t acknowledge what a big deal that was for me to put all the effort into planning, packing, and putting my anxiety aside to have a good day with them.
It is the next day and I’m feeling icky about it for some reason. I don’t know why. Last night we discussed that their house isn’t baby proofed and it will need to be shorter visits when we go there and they should really be coming to us more instead because they are all adults and don’t have a baby to pack up and baby schedule to work around.
His parents are doing a trip to the Grand Canyon next month. I declined because I haven’t traveled with her before, I really only want to travel with my own mom because she actually helps me, and I frankly don’t want to bring a baby there. My husband was upset about this but got over it. He then was getting upset anytime travel plans were discussed with my family, even though it was to more baby-friendly destinations and my mom would actually help me prepare for the trip and help me tremendously during the trip, in a way no one else could. He doesn’t have a reaction to it anymore after we talked about it but I know the feelings are still there. I just hate the scorekeeping between families.
His mom now expects us to go stay at their house and watch their dogs and chickens while they are away on their trip. This will be shortly after baby is starting solids and I don’t feel comfortable doing that with her in the middle of nowhere with no close medical care. I also just think that is a hugeeee ask of us when we have a baby. I expressed this to husband and he said fine but he wants to because he loves his hometown and thinks it’d be fun. I told him it would be so much work for me: planning, packing, and staying in the middle of nowhere, and I don’t feel comfortable with the solids thing.
My husband just is so in love with his family and it still is just a huge priority to him to see them all the time and still make visits out to his hometown frequently. While I can understand his feelings, especially because we are with my family multiple times a week, I just feel like my feelings and mental load are not being considered here. My husband is a good man and my family/friends always say how in love he is with me and what a great man he is, etc. and he is always open to my feelings when expressed. My husband has agreed with me that he has been so easy going our entire relationship and he has been more difficult lately, during the most vulnerable time of my life.
All this to say — I am going crazy with my in-laws. Both them and my husband were so great before this baby and it has just brought out all this craziness. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I need some perspective on if I’m in the wrong, if they are, or what. Please help me.