Advice Needed
I (f22) and my partner (nb22) have been together for a little over a year now. at first everything was amazing, things were good and then one day they started treating me like their worst enemy. i always was cautious of their triggers, walked on eggshells, was afraid of anyone talking to them except me because if someone accidentally spoke over them or triggered them i would be the one to get in trouble even though i didn’t do anything wrong! no matter what they would take it all out on me and it broke me dow for a little while. they would emotionally and mentally abuse me, humiliate me in from of my friends, self harm and show it to me and ask if their apology was good. i felt so broken and so lost after everything. i almost ended it right there on the spot so many times but i was too scared to break it off with them. they know everything about me and all the bad things that has happened with me. so in February of this year i found out they were cheating on me, and in the past they would tell me their fantasies of sleeping with other people and i ignored it just thinking its because i don’t want to have sex with them constantly 24/7 (i was going through some stuff) and thought they were just coping with it. i was wrong. they cheated and i found it. they then decide that they are going to blame the cheating on me because i can’t be dominant during sex due to severe childhood trauma ive gone through with a family member of mine. i told them about it after they asked why i don’t dominate them during sex and they said it was okay, everything would be fine and then would casually force me into dominance knowing what kind of headspace it would put me in. they blamed it on their bpd and i took that and ran with it because yk you cant help it!! (which i understand to a certain degree ive been diagnosed with bipolar 2 for 4 years now, similar but not the same) but when i was questioning them about the cheating they threw all my trauma in my face and blamed it on me. then took it back and said it was because they were selfish because they didn’t feel like the were given enough attention!! and to add i had lost my job a month before so all my attention was on them! i would hang out with my roommates when they were at work and they wanted all that attention on them. after the trauma throwing i lost my mind, screaming crying and packing bags. they finally told me that the cheating had to do with bpd, same with the abuse and humiliation. everything they do is either not intentional or not on purpose (their words not mine) the abuse, the cheating, the love bombing, the pulling away. every single thing they have done has been blamed on bpd. i cant tell if they are just abusive or using bpd as an excuse.
im sorry this is all over the place im just word vomiting and my mind is all foggy. i don’t know what to do anymore. im at a loss. if you have any questions please ask