u/Aggravating-Emu4734

[[VENT/ADVICE NEEDED??]]

so,

I have never NOT been insecure. i’m shy, i’m scared of expressing myself, i hide, i mask, I fawn. i’ve been doing reasonably better recently but i’m fucking sick of it.

I would be so much more confident in the body i don’t have, but hrt takes so long to work and i can’t stand the sound of my stupid voice and my height and my clocky face and shitty binder any longer. i want to be more confident. i don’t accept myself as someone who deserves to be called boy, not without hormones. not with my long ass lavender and baby blue hair i can’t seem to sacrific. and i can’t mentally and emotionally survive as a woman. i wish i could ignore my body and who i am, just to be less insecure.

i just want to be confident. it feels impossible right now. i don’t feel like i deserve to even call myself a boy, or really trans, cause i just look like a prepubescent androgynous little boy. no. sorry, i’m also femme presentin! i look like a GIRL. i’m just too stubbornly feminine to just try so hard to pass as a macho male boy man that i pop a blood vessel like all the wonderful passing pre-t boys i see all the time. is fighting insecurity even possible at this point?

i fucking hate that i’m gonna be stuck in this body for years to come. i want. HORMONES. i’m pissed off too because even after i start it’s gonna take at least half a year before my voice drops and i look male, and who knows what’ll happen to me before then? fuck. i don’t see the point in, like anything?! it has been SO long since anybody but a lesbian or the worst type of man ever has found me attractive. i hate my life.

so my question is, how can i possibly work on being more secure in myself?

I do not see aura, i feel them intuitively. i’m good at feeling the auras of others, but not mine. (i do feel connected to light blue, light purple, the ocean and the moon.) i’ve been told i have a “vampire at sunrise aura,” (whatever that means) or a blue aura quite often by different people but mostly people tell me they just see little clarity and smoke. and a prominent amount of it. This is interesting to me, because I have minimal value for clarity. i am working with dionysus, the god of madness recently and i felt a strong connection to the aspect of his mythology where he embraces the curse of madness and chaos cast upon him, and i’ve never felt better or more seen. i have never once felt a soul connection to the concept of clarity. call me crazy, but i don’t even think that’s a bad thing? i like that dionysian concept of embracing chaos. it’s not that my aura is faint, either. people have said that my aura is quite prominent. not strong, persay, but very prominent. i feel like i’m in another world very often, and sonce i was little people have always thought of me as a “deep thinker.” i’m wondering what people mean by a smokey aura? i’m wondering where my strengths and weakness may lie and what aura i really have, and what it might mean for my journey. people say smoke quite often. i mean, i do a lot of smoke-centered magic?

I do not see aura, i feel them intuitively. i’m good at feeling the auras of others, but not mine. (i do feel connected to light blue, light purple, the ocean and the moon. i’ve been told i have a “vampire at sunrise aura,” (whatever that means) or a blue aura quite often by different people but mostly people tell me they just see little clarity and smoke. and a prominent amount of it. This is interesting to me, because I have minimal value for clarity. i am working with dionysus, the god of madness recently and i felt a strong connection to the aspect of his mythology where he embraces the curse of madness and chaos cast upon him, and i’ve never felt better or more seen. i have never once felt a soul connection to the concept of clarity. call me crazy, but i don’t even think that’s a bad thing? i like that dionysian concept of embracing chaos. it’s not that my aura is faint, either. people have said that my aura is quite prominent. not strong, persay, but very prominent. i feel like i’m in another world very often, and sonce i was little people have always thought of me as a “deep thinker.” i’m wondering what people mean by a smokey aura? i’m wondering where my strengths and weakness may lie and what aura i really have, and what it might mean for my journey. people say smoke a LOT.