Feel like I’m in an absurd drama.
I have been married to this man for 20 years now, he never cheated on me and was a very good husband, he loved me up until 2 years ago. I was going through a lot of depression at that time and being very distant with him. He has an alcohol problem that started when we were in our early 20s. We have 3 kids together. Last August I figured out that he might be cheating. I assumed because he was always going to drink at a “buddies house” or so I thought. I would call him and he would never answer and one time that he did I heard a woman’s voice and I asked who that was, I thought it was his friends mom as he lives next door to his mom because in my mind I never could believe this deeply devoted man could ever do that. But things got more suspicious, I started to see late night calls from an ex co worker of his whom he made sound elderly and decrepit when he described her. She was 10 years older than me so I didn’t really see her as a threat tbh and not his type and not very attractive. She has that old bar fly vibe to her and I thought…. nah. He began to neglect responsibilities, like taking the kids to the doctor and showing up drunk. Then one day he slapped divorce papers on the table and that’s when I knew all of my fears had came true. I waited until he was sober and grilled him. He admitted to it and said he wasn’t proud of it and that he mainly did it to obtain money. Which yes he had been “borrowing a lot of money from his “friend” He said it meant nothing and blah blah blah. So we talked it over and I think I was in so much shock that I just brushed it off because I cope by shutting down and pretending that life goes on and bottle it up only to explode years later lol. Well, fast forward a few weeks later and he still keeps getting calls. I ask him to block her and delete her if he wants any chance at a marriage. He does not. He only mutes his phone to cover it up. He covets his phone. I finally get him to let me see it and I can see calls from her. After an argument, he finally agrees to remove her from his life. Fast forward a month, he is asleep and I see calls coming in from random number, ta da! It’s her again. The next day I confront him. “Oh I must of unblocked her when I was drunk.” Then I start finding the messages, and that’s what breaks me. That’s what killed any chance of coming back. They were messages telling her he loves her, that he misses her, that she’ll always be the one. I ask him if he does love her, he denies it. He says she is just weird and he says it so that she won’t stalk him, then he said it was because she’s crazy and he’s trying to make her not do something weird, then he says he doesn’t know why he said that. And this continues on and on and on up until now. Every time I thought that I could trust him a little, every time that wound started to heal it was ripped wide open again. If he loves her why not do me a favor and leave when it first happened? Why keep me in hell by tormenting me by dangling the phrase “I love you, I wanna be with you.” And then keep texting her telling her you love her, miss her, and that you never felt this way about anyone? Yes it would hurt but the hurt would of had time to cool by now. I don’t know if it was because of guilt, remorse or whatever that he stayed, but by not leaving and entertaining me and then her, you’re only making one hell of a scar in someone who is already deeply broken. Mind you, this is going on during the death of my father. I am tired of the excuse that “I was just drunk.” A mishap once or twice, sure, but this many times! That’s only the sober thoughts kept inside coming to the surface at that point. I am a stay at home mom, I have no fresh start, no job, no money and most of my family members are dead. I really am at my whits end. He has feelings for someone he barely knows that he only saw every now and again and was mostly drunk when he was around her. To top it off I have spoken to this woman more than once, she knew he was married,she knew he had young children, and she showed no remorse for what she did. She boldly proclaimed that he was in love with her and that she loved him and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. When I seen their shared text he always spoke of her highly and was sweet to her, something I haven’t seen from him in about 3 years. He spoke about me like I was his mother who was a burden and a drain and lied and said I was a raging bitch. Noooo I am trying to help you, sorry I feel more like your mother because I actually care and want you to get clean. Living with an alcoholic is the most frustrating thing ever. She is all fun and good times because she too is an alcoholic, who clearly has emotional issues and is very co dependent. Something is definitely wrong with her because when I spoke to her she is very childish. She acts like a school girl and has that mindset of “he’s the one and always will be, there will be no one else.” When we all know that is BS. I am so numb to everything at this point, my mind keeps going to ”how do I do this on my own? Where do I go? What do I do? Who is going to help me?” I also have an adult autistic son a long with a 10 year old and a 4 year old. I don’t have a career, I didnt get an inheritance because I have a stingy step mom. What the hell do I do? Any money I do get he just sucks it all up. At this point I am here because he loves me as a friend and that we have history and kids and is remorseful but doesn’t see me as a romantic interest and sees her more as that. When I know damn well he wouldn’t even be able to stand a woman like her after a while. She’s too clingy, too emotional, embarrassing, not even his type, has mental issues that’s apparent, and immature. And the crazy part is, is that he stopped calling her or texting for a while, but when he decides to get drunk that’s when he does. I’m sick death of this shit. Being on edge, wondering why he is over in this area of town, if he unblocked her, if he really actually does love her or if it is some kind attention thing because it seems to only happen when I don’t pay him enough attention. I just don’t know…. Thanks for the rant. It is very long.