I’m a 25 year old gay man, and I’ve had one serious relationship in my life and now I feel completely empty inside now that it’s over. He was to me the best I I think I could ever have and at the end of about 3 months he said he never loved me and blocked me. I’ve always had this idea in my head that I’m unlovable and I feel like this situation just reaffirmed it. It’s been a little over six months and I think about him every single day. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past but now it’s the worst it’s ever been. I don’t remember a day in these past six months where I haven’t looked at the top of a tall building and imagined standing at the top looking down and smiled at the thought.
I don’t really do much with my days (not that I ever really did) I go on walks for 1 to 2 hours a day especially when it’s sunny because the warmth makes me semi-happy. I’m in community college so I go to my classes when I have to. I go to my therapy alignment once a week. When I’m not doing any of those things I’m either sleeping or playing video games alone on my couch. I have a group of online friends but they’re all long distance so it’s hard to really feel like I have “friends” in the typical meaning because I can’t do anything that friends usually do in person with them. I’ve also only had a handful of friends who live close by throughout my whole life, none of which I have now.
I just feel like now that I know what it feels like to genuinely love and be loved I don’t see any point in living if I’m never going to feel the happiness that that brought me again. If it took 25 years for me to find someone and that only last three months what’s the point in suffering through another 25 years just for another short lived fake romance. I don’t see any point in doing the productive things that I want to put my effort into like writing, schooling, or exercising if all I really want out of life is love and that’s not likely to happen. And I know people say ambition and confidence and all that stuff makes people more attractive which I do genuinely believe because I find those types of people attractive but I just don’t see that working out for me. I don’t see myself with lots of friends, and a well paying job, a loving partner, and a great life. It’s nice to think about it but I don’t think it’s likely to happen for me.
Sorry, I don’t really know how to end this and I’m kind of just word vomiting right now.