burning out/SI post-k therapy
some context: 23F, i have struggled w my mental health for about 10 years now. i have been diagnosed with adhd since 13, also dealing with depression/anxiety, PTSD. i did ketamine therapy in 2022, it greatly helped with where i was then. i was a caretaker for my grandmother from late 2022-2025 (she passed april of 2025)
last year, i felt like i found a good groove, and what i should be doing in life. i found something i could look forward to in my artistic career while having no degree, which I withdrew from in 2022. i created new patterns and structures for myself which felt awesome! i started declining slightly at the end of last year, after losing these habits. my mom sold the house i shared with my gma in november of last year, and i have been living with my father since.
living with my dad has been a much healthier dynamic for me, support and schedule wise. my mom came home once a month, and was generally unsupportive of what i previously mentioned i wanted to do. since living with him, i have gone no contact with mom over things that transpired while taking care of her mom/my gma.
since living w dad, i have started working 2 jobs (instructional assistant and bartender, very different from my last job that was calm and had lots of downtime) and i am working about 70 hours a week. i have lost my time to workout, to create, to meal prep, or to have time to myself.
every off day i have is usually spent meeting up with people who would like to see me.
i feel a certain amount of contributory negligence for the way i have gotten so beyond depressed and anhedonic in the last 5 months. on the other end, i can recognize that i have had no space to process anything from the last couple years as i was pushed into a corner with caretaking and surviving then.
i feel the urge to quit both jobs, for a few months or so, and get back into a routine. to rest, get ready to go back to school, and to go back to therapy. i just know that’s not the world we live in though. i don’t have any financial obligations outside of what i pay my dad and the streaming services i have, (but no money saved from living with mom, whole thing) so it could be feasible? but i don’t know. i am so down.
more than anything, i’m afraid to admit that i am suicidal again. i spent so much money thinking i got better and that ketamine worked well for me, but i feel like i am right where i started and worse off because i am in such a bad life position with my age, finances, degree, etc.
i am full of solutions and ideas, but no part of me to will myself to carry them out. i don’t know what i can do.