I'm 20 years old, and ever since high school, I've felt like a bad person. When I was 17, I met a girl who felt like my female counterpart: same tastes, same personality. We became best friends, and I ended up falling in love with her, but she started dating another guy while I was still there, waiting for any sign of affection.
Months later, they broke up, and she agreed to go out with me. I was completely devoted: flowers, nice dates, gifts, everything. But one night at a party, I saw her ex getting too close to her, and I exploded with insecurity. Later, she calmed me down, and we stayed together until I went abroad. Before I left, she decided to break up with me, even though I kept begging her. When I finally decided to let her go, she changed and confessed that she did want to be with me.
This is where things get really bad.
Abroad, I became friends with her best friend. One day, she told me that the night of the party, the girl I loved had left kissing her ex on the way to my house. I felt a horrible mix of humiliation and anger, and I reacted in the worst way: I slept with her best friend as revenge. Several times.
Afterward, I started talking to her again, and we rekindled our relationship. Those were some really nice months; I met her family, and I truly thought things could work out. But the truth came out, and she found out what I'd done with her best friend. Seeing her cry like that made me incredibly disgusted with myself because I ended up destroying one of the most important friendships in her life.
Even so, she forgave me.
We stayed together for a while longer. I was her first time, and that still weighs heavily on me. Then I went back abroad, and although I kept pretending everything was fine, something inside was already broken. I cheated on her countless times, and she never knew. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize.
Eventually, the relationship ended. Since then, I've felt empty. I've hurt other people just to distract myself, and even though I know it's wrong, many times I feel nothing. Neither guilt nor satisfaction.
I miss her terribly and I can't stop thinking about how I ended up becoming exactly what I never wanted to be. I don't know if I'm a bad person or just someone very insecure and selfish who made terrible decisions.
Do you think someone like that can truly change? What would you do to stop hurting the people you love?