Hi everyone, maybe you can help me?
I met this guy thanks to my friends a few months ago and we've been getting to know each other from then. At first I was convinced that it would only be platonically, as I (so far) only ever crushed on people the first second I meet them (obviously it was never that deep about their personality, since you can't know someone that well when you first meet them) and he wasn't my "usual" type. I have never been anywhere close to relationship, never even dated, since I am just 20 and never really was too interested in that kinda stuff (I'm asexual and probably bi-romantic, just in case that helps you).
As we started getting to know each other better I liked him more and more and even found myself thinking a lot about how it would be to cuddle him or hold his hand. This has never happened to me before with friends. But I didn't feel/get the usual stuff I remembered from having Crushes earlier in life (idolizing them, thinking they're "perfect", being super convinced they're the love of my life, butterflies 'n shit...). I'd get quite nervous though whenever we' d meet up and then after a few minutes I would feel happy and calm. I have never felt this way with a person. I started suspecting that it could be romantic attraction, but I wasn't fully sure of it.
At some point he came up to me and confessed romantic feelings for me. I had suspected that and wasn't too surprised, but somehow it still shocked me a little. I told him that I wasn't sure how I felt and would need time to figure that out.
I deeply care about him and that's where the problems start. If he was just some random person I'd give it a shot just to figure stuff out, but I'm so afraid of hurting him, that I just can't, unless im fully sure that I have romantic feelings for him aswell. But how can I be sure of that?? As an asexual it has been quite hard telling romantic and platonic feelings apart - most people will tell you to see if you're sexually attracted to someone - if that's the case, it's supposed to be romantic. Well, guess what: I can't be sexually attracted to ANYONE. Or can I? Maybe I'm just lying to myself, maybe I'm actually not attracted to him at all. Or maybe I am a lesbian that just won't admit it?
Thats the kind of stuff going through my head. I feel kind of guilty that I don't feel sexual attraction towards him (even though he has reassured me, that the whole thing won't be a problem)
I spend hours and hours googling how to tell if you have feelings for someone or if you just like the attention, if you have feelings for someone or if you're just attached to them, if you have feelings for someone and how to notice,...
Sometimes I'm thinking that I am not physically attracted to because he's not my usual type, i find myself looking for flaws actively to explain why I can't be sure that I'm romantically attracted to him, etc. Even though I've known for years that I'm very definitely asexual. I have never ever desired to kiss anybody and yet I feel guilty that I don't feel like I want to kiss him when I look at him.
And the guilt keeps coming back, because if we were to try being together it could be that my feelings for him aren't as strong as his feelings and I don't want it to be like that. Are those doubts trying to tell me something? But I'm always doubting everything...
Then, maybe 3 weeks ago, i stumbled across ROCD. I read an online article and it all made sense, with the exception that I'm not in a relationship with that guy, but the label doesn't really matter too much at this point i guess. I'm always going through a cycle with the doubts and the hopes concerning this situation. I'm sure, then the doubts creep back, I research and reassure myself that the doubts are wrong, they go away, they come back... Looking back at my life I find quite a handful of obsessive thoughts on loads of different things, also some relationship focused ones. I have never been to therapy even though I've been wanting to go to therapy for the past six years, but somehow I never build up the strength to take care of it. Getting a therapist where I live takes about one year at least and that's therapist in general not rocd experts.
I'm getting really desperate since I want to be sure if I really have OCD and that's why I'm doubting the whole situation or if it's just regular doubts telling me that I don't feel romantic attraction and just really wish to feel it since he's a great person and I think it would be really healthy and good for me... If you have any advice or opinion on this, I'd be thankful. I'm just looking for an answer to finally tell him something he, or hopefully we, can work with...