I don’t actually want to be a part of anything
I’m a 17 year old girl and I consider myself extroverted. I don’t really get a lot of social anxiety, and I don’t have trouble talking to people. However, when people try to be my friend or god forbid date me, I immediately pull away and stop talking to them. I don’t want to be close to people.
I was at the height of my “popularity” when I switched to online school from public high school. I lied and told my mom I hated school because I was getting bullied, but I wasn’t. I got along with everyone just fine, I was well liked, I was on the cheerleading team, I made good grades. I just didn’t want to be there anymore. I hated having to be a part of it.
I very recently quit competitive dance. It’s fun, I’ve always been good at it, I’ve always liked it, but I just compulsively quit it a couple days ago for no real reason. I guess I didn’t want to be a part of something like that anymore. I don’t want to be committed.
Every time I feel really secure in my job where I really get along with my coworkers, I’m having a lot of fun, and I’m doing well, that’s when I quit. I do not want to be an important person at my job. Not my current job, not any job. I especially don’t like when my coworkers know too much about me or regulars recognize me.
It seems when life is going perfect for me, when things are really working out, that’s when I feel the need to run away and hit the brakes. I couldn’t tell you how many amazing opportunities life has given me that I’ve just sorta turned down. I don’t really think I’m cut out for good things. I don’t want to do things that let people get to know me, because frankly I don’t think I’m a very good person to know.
Sometimes this totally works, sometimes I feel so free and unattached and it’s like a breath of fresh air. Other times I feel like I’m hurting myself, or even worse I’m hurting others. Sometimes it feels like I’m addicted to change and instability. Every time I feel like things are going steady I have to rock the boat and make it infinitely harder for myself. I don’t really know if I did a good job expressing myself in this, if you couldn’t tell I’m really not the type to talk about my feelings, so this is a little bit out of my comfort zone. I just wanted to know if this something that’s ever going to go away? It’s not a new thing, I’ve always been like this. Am I going to look back one day with regret? Does it make me a bad person? How do I fix it? Can I fix it?