Apologies for the long read. I just feel like there’s a lot to cover in all of this.
I (24F) have been with my partner (31M) for almost 4 years now. My partner has 1 child from a previous relationship (8M) who we have 11/14 nights a fortnight, and together we have an 18month old son and a second baby due in 2 weeks.
Over the course of our relationship I feel as though so much of the responsibility for SS has been falling on me and I don’t know if it’s my fault for being willing to help and not setting strict boundaries early on. In the beginning of our relationship my partner worked really long hours and so child care was often needed for SS usually organised between my partner and his parents. One time when I first moved in with partner and SS I was asked to take SS to school as no one else was available and it was a last minute arrangement. Of course I said yes as I wasn’t busy nor do I want my partner missing out on work. Now ever since I said yes once it seems that my partner took that as I’m available and can do literally everything and anything for SS without him needing to check with me first and then when I say I can’t as I have other plans it’s a big deal and I’m made out to be the bad person for not putting his child before my own personal life. He often will say to his parents when they ask about plans for SS that he doesn’t need their help as I have it covered yet he hasn’t actually asked if I could or not.
My partner is honestly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and he loves me more than words can explain. He is the best dad in the world to our son and I see how much love he has everyday when they’re together. His relationship with SS is quite a bit different as they both push each others buttons super easily and things can get heated really quickly, often leading to me stepping in and tears being shed on both SS and parters ends. These interactions that occur make me feel a bit of resentment towards SS because he brings out a side in my partner that I never see when it’s just us and our child. Although this behaviour occurs it’s like my partner just can’t understand why I don’t love his child the same way he does. Overall SS isn’t a completely terrible kid but he often gives me quite a hard time when I’m the one doing school mornings or afternoons and gives me quite a lot of attitude whenever I ask simple things of him such as bringing his plate up to the kitchen counter or taking his shoes off when he come home. Now I get that kids do this and I’m not one to take it that personally as I too was a step kid at the same age and didn’t make my step mums life easy at all in the early days but as I got a little older I matured and now have a wonderful relationship with my step mum. But in saying this I think it’s only right that I don’t love him like I love my own child and I don’t think I should be expected to love him the same. Nor should he be expected to love me the same as he would love his mum and dad. This once again brings me to the childcare situation as I feel like my partner expects me to be excited to look after his son and it’s like he gets buthurt when I’m not overly enthused about it.
Anyway onto the real question, once again apologies for the long read but just wanted to give as much context as possible.
So I’m due to have my second baby in a couple weeks and when it came to organising childcare for our son my mum of course volunteered to have him for as long as needed. I didn’t think to ask her to have SS 1. Because she never offered and only mentioned having our son and 2. I don’t expect her to have my partners son over for multiple nights when it’s not her grand child nor has she ever had him overnight before.
In a recent conversation with my partners mother she said “i assume your mum is having your son, would you like me to have SS for a few nights” I said yes that would be lovely end of story, childcare organised. When I told my partner what the plans for the kids were he got quite upset saying why do the boys have to be separated and started saying that he feels like I’m excluding his son an that it’s unfair on him. I responded with I just took the help that was offered and if he wants things to be different then he needs to be the one to organise it with our parents.
Am I wrong is saying this to him and am I excluding SS or is my partner overreacting?
Open to any and all advice/to hear similar stories.